'Nothing incites my body dysmorphia more than seeing my own image on screen.'
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Anxiety always exacerbates my dysmorphia. It melts the boundary between internal and external terror as my mind insists that I look as monstrous as I feel. Just recently I texted my boss before a video meeting, telling her that I would prefer a phone call. She texted me back, insisting that we use Zoom. The meeting itself didn’t worry me. I was over-prepared with charts, graphs and a bevy of data points. But the anxiety of knowing that I might see my own face during the meeting sent me into a panic. I took a deep breath and dug through my bag, which hadn’t left the house in eight weeks, to search for anti-anxiety medication.
My boss told me that she needed to show me something and my face flashed on screen. I jumped. My dog jumped too. Recoiling, all I could see were the eyes of the person who hurt me as a child, the mouth of my father who smiled sadistically when I was in pain, and the arms of the man who hit me until my body was covered in bloody welts. I wanted to run away and I started to feel sick, but I fought the urge and reminded myself that I needed to remain composed and look professional.
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