Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020
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For centuries, fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week before going soft and filling with mold two days later.It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90% of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.

A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height.Don’t be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

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