There are good reasons why our mate choices may not match our ideal preferences but we can still find ideal relationships.
This mismatch may be driven by unconscious or subconscious factors.A variety of research shows that our stated mate preferences and our actual mate choices often do not match one another . For example, my colleagues and I found that although women stated that they preferred men who were ambitious and intelligent over men who were physically attractive, those women were alsoand kindness were rated as more important by speed-daters than physical characteristics, those speed-daters were more likely to choose future dates who were physically appealing rather than educated or kind.
When researchers ask individuals which attributes are most desirable in a long-term partner, respondents tend to say that traits like kindness,are essential in a partner . Although researchers Conroy-Beam and Buss found evidence that our mate preferences do drive our mate choices, they also explain why we might choose partners who lack those “essential” traits.platforms, a person “who actually embodies all of these desired qualities may not exist in the eligible mating pool.” That is, because each potential partner possesses a set of traits, it might be difficult to find one person who exemplifies all of our preferred characteristics. For example, we might find someone who is kind and smart but not very funny or someone who is funny and smart but not very kind. As the authors state, “Fulfilling one preference often requires relaxing another.” Second, “mating is an inherently competitive endeavor: desirable mates are always in short supply compared with those vying for them.” Therefore, although someone whoa very desirable partner themselves might have an easy time finding an ideal mate, for most people, it will be difficult to find a partner who matches all or even most of our ideals. Finally, “Each person must not only select their preferred mate, but also be selected by that mate.” Even if we manage to find a partner who embodies all of our ideal characteristics, that person has to also be romantically interested in us. Fortunately, it is often easy to be satisfied with a partner who doesn’t possess all of our ideal traits. For example, if we find that a partner is kind and smart but not funny, we tend to put less emphasis on a sense of humor moving forward . Similarly, we tend to put more emphasis on the positive traits which our partners do possess. Furthermore, the better we know potential partners, and the more we respect them, the more attracted to them we feel, regardless of the traits they possess . Although our romantic choices may be surprising, and although our partners may not have all of the traits we think we require, we can still find ourselves in ideal relationships. Conroy-Beam, D., & Buss, D. M. . Do mate preferences influence actual mating decisions? Evidence from computer simulations and three studies of mated couples. Journal of personality and social psychology, 111, 53. Eastwick, P. W., Eagly, A. H., Finkel, E. J., & Johnson, S. E. . Implicit and explicit preferences for physical attractiveness in a romantic partner: A double dissociation in predictive validity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101, 993–1011. doi:10.1037/a0024061 Fletcher, G. O., Simpson, J. A., & Thomas, G. . Ideals, perceptions, and evaluations in early relationship development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79, 933–940. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.79.6.933 Fugère, M. A., Ciccarelli, N. C., & Cousins, A. J. . The importance of physical attractiveness and ambition/intelligence to the mate choices of women and their parents. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences. DOI:10.1037/ebs0000325 Kniffin, K. M., & Wilson, D. . The effect of nonphysical traits on the perception of physical attractiveness: Three naturalistic studies. Evolution and Human Behavior, 25, 88–101. doi:10.1016/S1090-513800006-6 Kurzban, R., & Weeden, J. . HurryDate: Mate preferences in action. Evolution and Human Behavior, 26, 227–244. doi:10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2004.08.012 Lippa, R. A. . The preferred traits of mates in a cross-national study of heterosexual and homosexual men and women: An examination of biological and cultural influences. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 193–208. doi:10.1007/s10508-006-9151-2 Luo, S., & Zhang, G. . What leads to romantic attraction: Similarity, reciprocity, security, or beauty? Evidence from a speed-dating study. Journal of Personality, 77, 933–964. doi:10.1111/j.1467-6494.2009.00570., is a professor of Social Psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University, and her areas of expertise include attraction and romantic relationships.
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