Sarah Jacoby is a health reporter at TODAY.
In the middle of a tense argument with your partner, it can be challenging to keep the discussion on track and productive. But, if you take moment to choose your wording carefully, you can set your relationship up for actual solutions — without letting things get toxic.
It starts with keeping the end goal in mind and remembering that you and your partner are on the same team, said Dr. Sue Varma, board-certified psychiatrist and author of 'Practical Optimism.' Expert Tip of the Day: Use 'XYZ Statements' to Prevent a Toxic Fight “A lot of times people are thinking that this disagreement is between me and you, meaning it’s me and you against each other,” Varma said on a June 11, 2025, episode of The TODAY Show. “Instead, think of it as me and you against the problem,” she explained. One simple way to do that is to use what she calls the 'XYZ technique,' meaning: In X situation...When you do Y...It makes me feel Z. For example: 'This morning, when you didn't do the dishes, I felt disrespected and unseen.' Why It Matters When couples fight, they often resort to 'you statements,' Varma says, meaning accusations that the other person 'always' does something, like forgetting to do the dishes. Or they might use judgement statements, like 'You're lazy,' or 'You're selfish.' People also often 'kitchen sink' their partner, Varma says, 'which is throwing everything at the person,' she explains. Those types of statements are not helpful. Rather than resolving a disagreement, they set up an argument to turn toxic. By using the XYZ statement formula, 'You keep it to the situation,' Varma said. 'You're not saying, 'You're a horrible person.' You give somebody a path out to repair.' How to Get Started First, understand that “disagreement is part of life,” Varma said, “I look at it as an opportunity to strengthen connection and to really understand where the other person is coming from.” So, when you sense a disagreement with your partner, try to approach it with curiosity about where that difference of opinion is coming from, she advised. 'To get that clarity, be open — and don't walk in defensive,' she said. Using the XYZ technique allows you to share your individual perspective on a situation while still giving the other person a way to repair the the tension. It sets you up to be teammates in finding a solution rather than at odds. Keep in mind that you can also use XYZ statements in a positive context, such as when you want to express gratitude or communicate how your partner's actions made you feel good. You could say something like, 'Last night, when you bought the concert tickets we'd been talking about, it made me feel really seen and valued.' Communication strategies like this are the foundation to a healthy, respectful relationship that continues to grow as life inevitably changes. TODAY’s Expert Tip of the Day series is all about simple strategies to make life a little easier. Every Monday through Friday, different qualified experts share their best advice on diet, fitness, heart health, mental wellness and more.
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