'I’d rather die alone than date a conservative or even a 'moderate.''
Liberal Americans Are Sharing Why They Don't Date Conservatives, And Honestly, I Am 100% On The Same PagePolitics has become increasingly polarized in the US, and President Trump's second term has only made things worse.
This division is evident not only in the country at large but alsopersonal relationships; people everywhere are finding it difficult to find common ground with those who support fascism and hateful rhetoric. Even casual dating is affected —about how political views affect dating, most of the responses came from liberals or those on the left. In case you're wondering why this is the case, read on to see why left-leaning Americans are avoiding dating Republicans — or even moderates.For LGBTQ people, the answer was obvious:"If you're queer, particularly if you're trans, it's probably not a good or safe idea to date a bigot who wants you dead.""I'm queer, so if someone wants to date me but also voted for a politician who campaigns on taking my rights away, I'm gonna decline .""My rights and my identity are unfortunately political right now. I don't want to fuck someone who doesn't view me as a person worth respecting, and I don't want to introduce them to my friend circle.""I'm bisexual, so when I date a guy, I need to know I can say that without it being weird. I don't feel the need to casually date if I have to hide in order to participate." It was similar for immigrants, whose identity is similarly politicized:"As an immigrant, I'm not a huge fan of dating someone who thinks I'm a lazy scum who should 'go back to my own country.'"For some, it's not just about you feeling comfortable around a conservative, but also about your friends feeling comfortable:"I'm an immigrant, but how these people feel about me is honestly not even the main reason. I just can't imagine I'd date someone that I can't safely bring around my friends and family. I have friends who are queer but not out with part of their family or workplace, people of color, I know people who have had an abortion, people who are political activists and organizers. For each of those people, dating someone who is a conservative would mean a risk of being doxxed and/or targeted. I'd become a safety concern to them, purely because of who I am dating. It's not even an ethical thing; it's a matter of the safety of those around me." The idea of dating anyone who sees white, Christian culture as superior is also not appealing."My culture holds a great deal of significance for me. I feel a conservative-minded person would be narrow-minded about exposing themselves to 'other' traditions. In my experience, it feels like they are so ethnocentric. I won't be able to be myself." BIPOC and queer people don't want to be fetishized by the person they're dating."In my experience, a lot of conservative men also view women from other cultures as 'exotic' and often fetishize them. And then they think that because they want to have sex with WOC, that means they're not racist. Even though that's not just racism, but sexism too. Same for men fetishizing bi women and lesbians and claiming that makes them an ally, but then being disgusted by every other type of queer person that doesn't turn them on." And, of course, few people want to even potentially associate with white supremacists or neo-Nazis."Why would I want to date anyone in a party with Nazis when my grandfather fought nazis in WWII, and his father fought pre-nazis in WWI?"Of course, not every conservative is a Neo-Nazi. In fact, there are conservatives who may claim to be supportive of LGBTQ or BIPOC rights. However, commenters weren't interested in dating anyone willing to put those rights in jeopardy so that they could vote for the financial policy that serves them."Conservatives who are 'not racist' are okay with a party and leaders who base their policies on white supremacy. Complicity is racism.""If you vote against my interests or even vote for someone who voted against my interests, even if you don't agree with their stance on that subject, then I simply don't feel safe with you, and I don't want you in my life, period. Furthermore, it displays their lack of empathy for others, and I can't stand it. I'd rather die alone than date a conservative or even a 'moderate.'""You claim to think sexual orientation or gender identity is not grounds to withhold someone's rights, but you're willing to put that aside in order to vote for someone who doesn't claim the same, because of some other policy they hold? Dealbreaker.""If you vote for candidates that hold those beliefs, even if you don't, I'd be worried you're hiding those views under the pretense of 'It's just their economic policy I agree with.'""You don't get to pay lip service to a group of people, then vote for a party that wants to make it illegal for them to exist. You can be an LGBTQ+ ally, or you can vote Republican, but you can't have both." Even calling yourself a conservative or Republican is a red flag to some, even if you don't believe in what the party has been doing lately."Yes, I've met decent conservatives in my life. However, the actual decent, open-minded ones that I know have witnessed the decline of the Republican party over the last decade or so, and are standing up against it. They call out the GOP's BS and have voted for Democrats or independents in the last few elections. They don't continue to vote for people who are willfully ignorant, spout lies, and ignore growing fascism." Politics is no longer just politics — it's about morality."It used to be the main divide between the parties was economics, how we spend the government's money. During the 80s, the Republican Party began associating moral values with politics. Now, politics is about a set of moral values, which are the things you value morally. That goes to a deeper sense of self than just economics. If you date someone of the opposite party now, you're dating not just someone who thinks government should have different economic priorities, but someone who sees the world in very different terms...who deserves to be seen as a citizen, and to be counted as a person, with all the rights of citizenship that go along with it.""A lot of political views are not political, they're moral. Political views are 'How much money should be spent on this project?', 'Should we build a park here?', 'What should this budget be used for?', and so on. 'Are women human beings?' 'Do LGBTQ people deserve to live?' 'Should poverty be used as a weapon?' 'Are immigrants human beings?' and so on are not political. They're moral issues. And I won't be with someone who has garbage morals. Because I prefer to cultivate long-term relationships, and I won't spend years with some bigoted dickhead if I can help it, lol.""We can disagree about things...but not racism, homophobia, bigotry, misogyny, sexism, and so on. Holy shit, the bar is SO low, y'all." Politics is not just fiscal policy: it's views on people."I wish people would stop acting like political views don't translate nearly 100% into your views on just about every important thing in life. It's like saying, 'Let's be friends and not worry about how you feel about different races, cultures, or sexes.' These things are intertwined in who we are as people.""Things that I'm okay with disagreeing on: 'We should limit the foreign aid response.' Things that are not up for discussion, do not pass go: ': are they people?'""Your political views are how you see the world. If your views are that some people are simply less human and less deserving of rights than others, that's a dealbreaker. Why would I want to spend any time with someone like that?"Ultimately, your politics are your value system and worldview."A solid relationship is based on shared values. I don't share any of the same values with modern conservatives, so why would I want to date, marry, or procreate with them?""Sharing the same values as your partner is critical! You can overcome having different interests, but if you have fundamentally different views on the world, it will be a constant source of tension.""Someone's political views stem from their view of the world. And people tend to gravitate toward someone of the same political leaning. If beliefs were at odds with my partner, it would cause extra tension. Not because they vote differently, but because those beliefs would bleed into every tiny decision in our lives, and I don't think they would ever 'get' where I'm coming from. I wouldn't feel truly heard or understood, and that would eventually be too much for me.""People act like politics are just singular issues when they are an entire worldview, and also how you view collective good vs. individualism . You need to be on the same page as your partner in most respects." This goes both ways, too:"I put in my dating bio that if you voted for Trump, we wouldn't work out. So many men wanted to debate this. I didn't say Republican, I said 'voted for Trump.' Trump supporters wouldn't like me. I'm doing you a favor here." The entitlement of men even thinking liberal women should want to date you is scary, or at the very least, unnattractive."Imagine the entitlement of a conservative man expecting women to hop into bed with him when he won't even acknowledge us as full citizens or people." Some conservative men go so far as to hide their politics so they can have sex with left-leaning women, which is pretty gross and awful."This comes up a lot whenever you talk to conservative men in the US. Many are extremely angry that left-leaning girls won't date them, so they hide their political beliefs for as long as they can. Instead of just accepting that that means the person is a bad fit for them, they decide feminism is destroying humanity or whatever, and that women are to blame for their lack of access to casual sex. As though they aren't creating the world in which it's difficult and unsafe for women to have casual sex." "I've known a lot of women who have dated more conservative men throughout their lives, but there was a change when Trump was elected, and wow, there's been another big one sincewas overturned. Now, every woman I know who's still dating is much more direct about her preferences and finding out what his ideology is. Because at this point, a"When I was casually dating, many men would present themselves as 'moderates.' Still, it would come out over the course of chatting that they were really conservatives who had one gay friend, and they were always offended when I ended things over their political views. They couldn't understand why something so 'minor' as my rights to my body would matter to me." Speaking of casual sex and Roe..."I will not date someone who is anti-abortion. I'm a straight female, and no man will tell me what to do with my own body. They will never understand, as they'll never have to go through it themselves, and if they can't understand that, I don't care. My health isn't up for debate. Similarly, I wouldn't even be friends with someone who votes for a politician specifically because that person wants to ban abortion. If you don't like abortion, don't have one, but keep your laws off of my body.""If a man doesn't believe in my right to control my own body when it comes to abortion, that tells me a lot about what he thinks about my rights to my body in other situations. Throw in a surprise whoopsie, and he could make your life a living hell in a multitude of ways."That's not even covering what happens if you do have kids with a conservative person."Casual dating can lead to casual sex. Casual sex can lead to pregnancy. Pregnancy can lead to a co-parenting relationship with the person. Better to reject them before getting legally tied to them for the next 20-ish years, because if you think fundamental political disagreements are intolerable in a dating partner, imagine raising a child with someone like that." Gun control in particular is something people are not willing to compromise on, especially if there will one day be children involved."My cousin's baby died because her gun-nut Republican husband didn't store his guns properly. Their toddler found an unsecured and loaded gun and accidentally shot the baby. Never ever ever allow someone who treats guns like toys around your kids. Ever." "When my five-year-old is at his Dad's house, he's allowed to shoot airsoft guns...which will eventually lead to real guns. Anyone who doesn't understand that it's not safe for a five-year-old to play with airsoft guns is not going to be safe with real guns. I can't stand my son's father, and it sucks.""I had two family members take their own lives within four days of each other . You're WAY more likely to see 'family fire' than ever protect yourself from anyone/anything. I'm also beyond tired of being afraid to send my kid to school every day." It's not just your partner you're dealing with, either; it's their family, who may carry the same opinions , and many don't want to deal with that."You also really learn what your future in-laws could be like since parental opinions generally influence kids.""I'm just getting out of a relationship with a conservative. He's not that conservative. But his mother is. She thinks that the Confederates were good people! The problem is all the little things that come with his conservative upbringing. Callous cruelty towards the suffering of others. A complete inability to talk about his feelings. I am bipolar and suffer ptsd. I get eye rolls now when I try to talk about it. He's chosen mute misery over talking about his feelings and wants me to choose it too. And I can't. Not with my mental problems. It's not even political. It's personal. All of those things grind away at you after a while, and I was heading for a serious episode, and now I am feeling like a selfish asshole for choosing my mental health over my relationship. I don't want to be forced to listen to his mother say the n-word, and I want to be able to just talk about shit and solve problems."Politics is just important to consider for the future in general, and the home you want to build."It will affect your future. You want a gun-free house; your partner wants to build a gun collection. ... You want an abortion; your partner believes abortion is evil. You want to smoke weed; partner is against it, etc." Women especially feel that conservatives want to change them...or control their actions once they're married."In my experience, most conservatives I've been with tend to either think they can change my views, or worse, take a 'well, no wife of mine is going to…' tack, so that's probably a big part of why liberals avoid dating conservatives." It's also the paternalistic attitude that bothers people, especially for women or BIPOC."What adds an extra level of concern is that they don't just think people shouldn't have certain rights, they think they know better than everyone else. I don't want to be around people who don't think I should be allowed to make decisions for myself, but also think they should be able to make those decisions for me.""This isn't about 'divisiveness'; this is literally about not putting yourself at risk of abuse from someone who hates who you are and what you stand for."*This isn't quite the case, but domestic violence has been shown to be tied to thought systems attributed to conservative ideology. For example, studies haveare perpetrated by men; most victims, conversely, are female. One studythat those who overclaim Bible knowledge are also more likely to be perpetrators of domestic violence, and we all know which political party that encompasses. It also seems Republicans care less about domestic violence;found that Republican men were far less concerned about domestic violence than other groups. And in 2020, 172 Republicans in the House of RepresentativesSometimes, it just feels like conservatives are living in different realities."Nowadays, people who have different politics don't just have different world views; they literally live in different realities. That's hard to build a relationship around.""I'm fine with different opinions. I'm fine with different values, too. What I can't stand is different realities. ... If you think NASA, the Illuminati, and aliens have teamed up with Nancy Pelosi to take away our freedom to build coal factories, I'm just bored and irritated.""I'm not nor have I ever been a member of a political party. ... I tolerate Democrats, but the MAGA crowd is too much. When you depart reality and start into conspiracy BS, I'm done." Conspiracy theories and anti-science beliefs are a hard pass for a lot of people, especially if they work in healthcare or saw the effects of COVID firsthand. "I respect all views, even if I disagree. Everyone has a right to their opinion. But as a WOC who works in healthcare, I can't date a conservative. ... Working in healthcare, I have a strong foundation in science. I believe in evidence-based practices. I can't vibe with someone who believes in hoaxes, fake news conspiracies, and thinks the pandemic is a scam." COVID has also turned immunocompromised people off from dating conservatives."As an educator with a difficult autoimmune disease, I can't recall any liberal politicians saying that I should die to save the economy during early COVID times. I don't remember any Democrats publicly stating that my health and safety aren't important or their responsibility. I haven't been denied access to my *medically necessary* methotrexate as a result of liberal policies. So, yeah, I only want to date people who weren't ready to write me off as an acceptable loss because they don't care about others. Judging people for their politics, and not inviting in hate and lack of compassion, is both protecting your safety and self-care." Honestly, some people just find dating conservatives exhausting:"The issue is the Republican Party has become the party of extremists, and dealing with that is just too exhausting." And certain things are just unattractive:"Some opinions are literally just a turn-off. It's not a 'getting pissy' thing, it's a 'I'm less attracted to you now' thing.""I feel this so much. Met a girl, and we were pretty much two peas in a pod. Then, we started talking politics. It wasn't even a 'I'm on one side, and you're the other.' It was how we both saw the world. She became far less attractive after that.""Someone who thinks minorities are inferior and thinks we deserve fewer rights is also a major turn-off and isn't attractive at all." The hypocrisy is also a turn-off for many."It's funny how so many conservatives strayed from the importance of 'family values,' morality, what have you. They excoriated Clinton before he was even elected because he had a reputation for messing around. Yet, when Trump first ran, many of these same folks shrugged and said it didn't matter so much — it was ideas that mattered more, and Trump had good ideas. What that meant, I still have yet to figure out. Whatever works to get their candidate elected, they'll flip and flop on key issues — no wonder their candidates do the same. They are MAJOR hypocrites."The same conservative:"I fully support throwing out parts of the Constitution so that we can re-install a guy as President who lost an election and supported an assault on the Capitol and its law enforcement.'Another turnoff? Men seeing politics as a fun debate to have, or to play"devil's advocate" about."On the topic of abortion, something I would notice whenever I would talk to a conservative man about it is that they would always form it as some friendly debate. Like, there was no way they could take it as a serious thing because pregnancy could never happen to them. They could never understand why I was so scared because even if I had a miscarriage, it would be harder to obtain care, but they just could not understand it...It was always just a little debate for them." In fact, some women noticed men thought of politics as something outside of themselves, which was extremely out of touch with the current state of the world."In general, 'I don't care about politics' has become a great, consistent red flag for me to nope out. It just means not only have their rights as a human never been used as a political weapon, but they don't care that others' have." Besides being self-focused, conservatives particularly appear to make conservative beliefs the touchstone of their personality."I’m in my 40s, and I can say that in the pre-Trump years, it was never a huge deal to me. When I was in my 20s, most people didn't make their political 'team' their entire identity. Post MAGA, now when we hear the word conservative, it generally means a Trump supporter. I'd have zero problem dating an old school Republican — I dated several guys that voted for Bush back in the day — but the hardcore Trump folks just seem to live in a different reality than I do, so I can't see how a relationship would work." It's like Trump gave every toxic white guy a pass to make his worst beliefs his entire personality."I had been with a guy for close to a year and a half when Trump started running for president, and a really ugly part of his character started to emerge. It became clear that not only did he hate immigrants, but he also disliked the gay community and Black people. His whole argument was that they don't contribute as much to society as he did." "I'm a very liberal person with many friends of all races, religions, and sexual identities. The best part is that he was 30 years old, lived at home with his mom, and didn't contribute to the groceries. Towards the end, he became violently abusive. A month after leaving, he was caught at a barbecue, throwing the white power symbol in a photo. So glad I left and held firm to my principles. He's still living with his mom.""I have always been liberal, but my husband was generally not political at all when we started dating and got married. I started to educate him on certain things, and he seemed to agree. Cut to 2017, when we had our first child, and he decided that he needed to start educating himself more on politics, which led him to lean heavily to the conservative side. It has been very difficult to manage and has caused many issues in our marriage. I have a hard time understanding why someone who is a genuinely nice and caring person can believe such messed-up things.""I had my son in 2012 with a guy who said he didn't really care about politics. Well, in 2015/2016, he became a raging Trumpster, and in 2020, he refused to put a mask on our son, and in 2021, he refused to allow him to get the vaccine. It absolutely matters that you share the same values and basic world views as your partner." Some people claim conservatives are more looks-focused or searching for more unrealistic women."Therapist here with something interesting I've learned from clients who are using dating apps. If people don't mention their political alignment but have two paragraphs of requirements starting with 'You must be in great shape' followed by a detailed description of a human version of Jessica Rabbit, they are most likely narcissistic conservatives. If you're on popular dating apps, watch for that, and you'll see how common it is!" Conservatives just seem miserable to some people. I mean, they won. They're getting everything they wanted. Why are they so angry all the time?"I live in Texas, most people are 'conservative.' I can hardly stand to be around most of my friends anymore because they have such ugly views of the world, and then my husband and I have noticed that none of them are actually happy. Nor do they fully understand their own 'beliefs.' I have one friend who is almost 40, who votes for Republicans because that's what her dad raised her to do. When I started telling her what she was voting for, she was baffled.""I'm not proud of this, but I used to be a Republican. My parents emotionally neglected me and only showed me affection if I aligned with their political values. I didn't realize it until I cut off contact and started working on myself. I now have completely different views, and it blows my mind how miserable Republicans are that they want to make life barely tolerable for everyone else around them."Overall, it came down to this:"Your time is valuable, so why would you waste it on someone who fundamentally believes the opposite of what you do?"I'll finish with this: the last time we wrote this article, we had some angry conservative commenters. So I write this to those who feel stereotyped or maligned. A) You having this response to an article about women not dating you is incredibly indicative of the fact that you've never experienced real oppression. You are not facing violence due to stereotypes in the way other stereotyped groups are. B) Take a look at #7. You may be the best, most open-minded conservative in the world, but if you're voting for candidates that actively take away the rights of others, you are a part of the problem and frankly deserve the judgment; maybe that will push you to actually make a change. And C) When people's rights and very lives are at stake, it's safer for them to stereotype and thus avoid involving themselves intimately with you than to risk actual harm. You are afraid of being judged. These people are afraid of being killed. It is not the same. Would you date someone outside your political party? Why or why not? Let us know in the comments or via this anonymous form.
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