If I sound bitter and negative, it’s because I am.
But before I do, I feel like I need to say up front that yes, I’m grateful for my health. I’m grateful for my family. I have an amazing husband and some awesomely well-adjusted sons who, despite getting on my nerves sometimes, are my favorite people in the world. I’m privileged to have a comfortable home and a job I can do from home and close friends who keep me sane and grounded. So yes, I’m grateful and fortunate and all that.from the early pandemic days vanished into the ether.
Yes, that’s right. Because I second guess nearly every decision, major and minor, all damn day. Do I need a mask if I’m talking to a neighbor over the fence? Should I order groceries online, or make a quick trip to the store? Can I trust my teen to wear his mask? Am I being a helicopter parent if I “spy” on him to make sure? It’s relentless.
Regardless of where you stand in all of this, it feels impossible to find someone who is truly on the same page as you. And no, I’m not talking about anti-maskers. That is something else entirely. Even among those of us who are taking the virus seriously and taking precautions, we all have a different threshold. Some of us are okay with the risks of in-person school, but wear a mask all the time, even outdoors.
No matter what I do, it feels “wrong.” If I decline invites to an outdoor wine night, will the invites stop coming? If I go, will the guilt consume me? If I visit my parents, am I putting them at risk? If I don’t visit them, am I missing out on valuable time with them? My dad has Alzheimer’s, and I worry that by the end of the pandemic, he might not even remember me.
Early on in the pandemic, it felt like the virus was lurking around every corner. Like I couldn’t even step outside my front door without the Bully Cloud waiting to grab me. Now the judgment, second-guessing, and anger is lurking like a Bully Cloud. It’s heavy and exhausting and lonely as hell. And there is
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