Breakups arouse intense emotions about our past, present, and future. Understanding where the grief really comes from can help us move through it.
, but the feelings will only resurface somewhere else in a different form. By sitting with and understanding these emotions, and by bringing new experiences and memories into your life, you can gradually shift your ingrained expectation of interacting with and relying on your ex, and slowly release yourself from the breakup’s hold on your life.
If we experience what may seem like at outsized or self-destructive response to a breakup, it is important to consider that part of our response may be driven by the actual loss of our partner and part may be driven by the neglect, abuse, or misattunement we experienced long ago — separate yet interrelated losses to grieve, understand, and move through.
In such instances, an integral part of the grieving process needs to involve stripping our partner of our projections, and recognizing their human imperfections and our own — the limitations and frailties that existed within and between us. Only then can we mourn, and ultimately move on from, the partner we actually lost and be open and available for an authentic relationship with another human being again.
While breakups can provide a useful opportunity to examine ways we may be unavailable, guarded, or defended in relationships, or how we may fail to see and be responsive to our partners’ needs and perspectives, self-blame and flagellation are not helpful. Relationships are a dynamic between two people. How one person shows up directly impacts the other’s response. A breakup is the result of your and your partner’s inability to create a relationship together at this particular place and time.
If you are repeatedly blaming or bludgeoning yourself for your relationship’s demise, ask yourself: What purpose it is serving? Is it a means of avoiding the pain of the loss, or of giving yourself some control of a situation that otherwise feels out of your control? Or are you repeating a painful dynamic from your past in which you quickly move to feelings of
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