After years of living with depression, writer Erin Paterson considers their fear of facing their future.
A few weeks ago I went to the cinema with an old friend. As we caught up, I started talking about the recent scare I’d had that I may need to move. I’ve lived in the same flat share for more than 10 years now, but rumblings from my agent had convinced me that he was gearing up to sell the property. This didn’t turn out to be the case, but it got me thinking about what I would do if it had.
As my friend and I chatted about the horrors of being a renter, we touched on the seeming impossibility of being a, given the state of the housing market. The conversation moved onto the future, and what we had planned. I laughed that I didn’t have anything planned, and started to say something, prefacing it with “you know what I’m going to say”, and my friend laughed and said he did know, so I didn’t say it.for a long time, ranging from full mental breakdowns to stretches of mild sadness.
The fog does clear eventually, though. And at some point in the last few years, I’ve had to shake myself out of that familiar mindset. To put it simply, I have decided to live. This sounds like a good thing , but it comes with complications. I find myself now coming out of almost two decades of living with a sense of impermanence. In many ways, I feel like I’m walking through the world as a completely new person.
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