Why Being ‘Good’ Outweighs Being ‘Nice’ In Lasting Relationships—By A Psychologist

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Why Being ‘Good’ Outweighs Being ‘Nice’ In Lasting Relationships—By A Psychologist
Over-PoliteEmotional BurnoutInauthentic
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Are you playing it safe with niceness, or ready to stretch beyond your comfort zone to co-create a lasting love story?

Are you playing it safe with niceness, or ready to stretch beyond your comfort zone for a lastingMany of us grow up believing that being “nice” is the key to building and maintaining relationships. From an early age, we are often taught to prioritize kindness and politeness, equating them with being well-liked and accepted by others. This emphasis on niceness can create the impression that simply being agreeable and avoiding conflict is sufficient for cultivating meaningful connections.

Niceness, in contrast, can sometimes lead to superficial interactions, where the focus is on maintaining harmony at the expense of honesty and vulnerability. This can result in unaddressed issues festering beneath the surface, ultimately undermining the relationship’s foundation. One effective way to embody being “good” is by expressing our feelings, even if it leads to some tension. For example, if something bothers you, try calmly sharing it with your partner instead of brushing it off to keep the peace. This openness helps build mutual understanding and emotional safety over time, ultimately enriching the relationship.Being nice often involves quick fixes: smoothing over disagreements, deflecting issues, or minimizing problems to avoid discomfort.

One effective way to foster respect is by taking ownership of your actions. If you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings, it's essential to offer a genuine apology rather than a quick “Sorry” aimed at smoothing things over. Acknowledging and taking responsibility for your behavior demonstrates respect and builds mutual trust.

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