Massachusetts mom and mental load expert Paige Connell put packing in perspective on social media.
If you find yourself the resentful Sole Packer of All Things for spring break, an expert has some suggestions for lightening the mental load.For every mom frantically making lists, doing laundry and hauling suitcases out of storage before spring break, there is an aggravatingly calm dad telling her not to stress because it'll all get done.
"There's a difference between the physical task of packing and the mental load that goes into packing for a family. Those are two separate things," says the mom of four. Packing for the family, she says, often falls to the mother. "One person is physically putting things into a suitcase. The other person is planning, anticipating the weather and kids' needs," she continues.", and that's the thing that stresses people out because they are not only anticipating things like the weather, they're also anticipating emotions of their kids." Packing for a family trip, Connell says, is “tricky” because “it often illuminates larger inequities within a home and the way that it’s operating.” So a mom “might be frustrated about the packing, but it’s usually not specifically just about the packing.”, the one who knows which kid can't stand scratchy clothing tags and understands the exact length of the meltdown that will occur if a particular lovey gets left behind. "A lot of men, I think, will focus in on the physical task of packing, and ignore the fact that somebody had to come up with that list they're working from," Connell says. So even if the dad is physically putting things in a suitcase, for example, chances are that the mom has done the mental pre-work.Women have bridal showers, baby showers and registries. They're often packing the hospital bag and the diaper bag."It's not just because they love baby stuff or because it's their hospital bag," she says."It's because, societally, we place expectations on women that they are better at it." Social media also plays a huge role in tagging women with this responsibility. Connell points out that content creators make"What's in my bag?" videos that perpetuate the idea that moms carry everything. "Women are constantly fed this kind of information, and so we take on that work of the diaper bag or the hospital bag. And what I have found is that the work that women tend to take on very early in motherhood spirals and kind of snowballs," she explains. If you find yourself as a resentful Sole Packer of All Things, Connell has some suggestions for lightening the mental load. One of the best things that Connell and her husband have done is create shared packing lists on their phones. “They have everything for him, for me, for the kids, for the dog and the dog walker, all the people. And so all the work of packing is really visible, and it’s not living just in your head,” Connell explains. Communicate your expectations and create clear divisions of labor well in advance of a trip. You may even have to show your partner what you've learned in your years of packing up the kids. "I know this is frustrating for a lot of women, but if you've been the default for this, a bit of teaching, a bit of flexibility in being able to show your partner what it is you do — and why and how —helps invite them into that work," she says. “Start early and be really intentional. It’s never helpful in the moment to yell at your partner about how they don’t help you pack when you’re leaving for a flight the next morning at 7 am.”The ‘Nag Paradox’ Creates Household Fights. This Mom Wants to Break the Cycle
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