With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.
Nora Clampett, 7 “I don’t know, but ever since I caught Dad wrestling with Mom’s sister, he won’t stop buying me them.” Stella Greenberg, 18 “Plain and simple, it’s a status symbol, much like the Webstaurant Store stainless steel mixing bowl, or the Solo heavyweight plastic spoon.” Nicole Evans, 11 “Without a cup, water goes everywhere.” Olivia Anderson, 10 “My prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed, so I am a slave to whatever consumerist fantasy is projected into my eyeballs.
” Cara Stone, 14 “My hormones may ruin my skin, hair, and body, but they cannot touch the sacred cup.” Avery Reichardt, 18 “Undiagnosed autism.” Zoë Campbell, 9 “I’m not actually a fan. I just put my big hand inside of one, and it got stuck. Then, I put my other big hand in another, because I thought that would help. But it just got stuck, too.” Ava Whitmer, 12 “It’s a great place to carry around a mouse!” Alyssa Alva, 19 “It’s durable enough to act as a weapon in case I’m assaulted.
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