Holding on to friendships despite wealth gaps.
As a boomer who works as a writer and juggles side hustles such as teaching poetry at senior centers, I’ve watched most of my peers move into more comfortablelifestyles. I’ve also tended to work with millennials and Gen Xers who struggle as artists, teachers, small business owners, social workers, and human services workers—and we all earn less than our peers.
We’ve made calculated and careful decisions to stick with our values and callings and adapt to living within our modest budgets. Although I’ve witnessed the end of friendships because of a widening wealth gap, I’ve seen some bonds grow stronger as people can be enormously resourceful when they include friends from different backgrounds in their circles. Many of us have found solutions to the challenges of socializing with our better-off friends. I’m fascinated in what holds friendships together despite wealth gaps or other stressors such aschanges, status changes, retirement, medical conditions, relocation, and other isolating factors that divide connections. I’ve learned how friendships are saved when someone reaches out to have an honest, compassionate conversation about that silent elephant in the room. Coming from firsthand experiences and from research on wealth gaps in friendships, I can offer practical suggestions for having “the conversation” about financial disparities in our friendships.about people who have more money than you. It helps to identify the stereotypes or beliefs that interfere with your ability to see the situation clearly.Reframe: “Lisa has had other struggles in her life that are not financial problems.”Reframe: “She has had a more sheltered life than me in some ways, but she is not judgmental about my lifestyle.”and get to the root of your attitude about friends who are financially better off than you. What about them specifically triggers you to feel resentful,And further, your strong emotions might reveal underlying issues that are clouding the money problem in your relationship.when asking me to meet up at a pricey restaurant when I have to drive two hours to visit her in her hometown. Couldn’t she offer to help pay for the gas or atExplore the qualities of your friend and why you want to stay friends. Lisa may seem naïve or oblivious about people who financially struggle, but she is a loyal friend who has a fresh sense of wonder and curiosity. I enjoy herYou will likely be the person speaking up about the problem.and frame it in a way that is workable for your friend—without blame. You might not be able to change your friend’s beliefs or values, but your friend might work with you on ways to meet up. You can refer to the delicate subject by saying “it’s not in my budget,” which is a good, simple explanation that works for most occasions. “Lisa, I really want to see you, but it’s not in my budget to travel these days. It could help me out if we split the cost of gas when I drive to see you. Or maybe we could meet halfway somewhere so we each just drive one hour?”
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