You light up when your adult child texts. You respond instantly. You smooth over tension. But your overthinking is letting them walk all over you. Here's how to stop the madness.
More of your discomfort may stem from overthinking than from the struggles and antics of your adult child.Engage with the clarity of your role as a healthy parent, versus fear of losing your adult child.
, one thing they often say is something like,"Dr. Jeff, I feel taken advantage of. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way when I think about things I could have done better." These parents are like the walking wounded, who are also walking on eggshells. They have all sorts of conflicting thoughts, are in deep emotional pain, and just want to feel better. Above all, these parents want their adult child to be less emotionally reactive, less However, I often see that even more discomfort stems from parents' overthinking than from the struggles and antics of their adult children. It is these problematic thinking patterns that leave parents feeling like doormats to their adult children., seemed to be helpful to many readers. The main points are that overthinking leads parents to second-guess text messages, to soften their stated truth, or to avoid difficult conversations. Yet genuine connection arises when parents speak honestly and calmly, with mutual respect, rather than throughSelf-awareness is a valuable gift, given that all of us are imperfect beings. That's because we all get to learn and grow in healthy directions if we look at ourselves. Below are three questions to help assess the extent to which you exhibit a doormat mentality toward your adult child.if you have fallen into parent doormat mode by letting your overthinking sweep away a more open, conscious relationship with your adult child. If overthinking has turned you into a doormat with your adult child, it is not because you are weak, but rather it is because your overthinking is fueling yourReality Check #1. Do you replay conversations in your head? If you continuously obsess on what you say or text or dwell on what happened on your last visit with them, you are not being thoughtful—you are overthinking. Parents often frenetically ask me things like,"Did I say too much?" or"Did I sound dismissive, because they tell me I invalidate them?"A tool from this book that helps people of all ages is called PACE, which I describe at the end of this post. These maddening thought spirals keep you focused on trying to prevent emotional discomfort rather than staying true to your own limits and boundaries. By overthinking, you start to train yourto believe the relationship is always one wrong move away from collapse. Don't you owe it to yourself as a parent to reclaim your value rather than lose it to overthinking?response, and you soften a boundary before it gets to land. So, for example, you"lend" some more money . Let's face it. Is this really about your kindness or is it about your fear? That is, your fear of upsetting your adult child outweighs staying true to yourself.If you are irrationally dwelling on worries that your adult child will pull away or think you are a bad parent, then it is time to look in the mirror. After all, don't you want your values versus your overthinking to guide your choices with your adult child? One quick way to get back to knowing not only your values but, more importantly, your value is to grab a sheet of paper and a pen. Now, write down all the things you have done over the years for your adult child. Don't show them this list or bring it up. Rather, keep this as your anchor—your true north—to help know your value. What further helps my parent coaching clients step out of this dysfunctional doormat pattern is not some huge confrontation or withdrawal. Rather, using the following PACE tool is a first step to loving your child deeply without sacrificing your emotional footing and healthy boundaries.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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