When teenagers push against family boundaries, parents often become emotionally reactive. While teens can be difficult, and even defiant, they may not be as secure as they seem.
Parents who become emotionally reactive from their children's behavior often lose their perspective.Source: Karolina Grabowska / Pexels Let’s face it, teenagers can be difficult. I don’t know any parents who have gotten through their kid’s teenage years without some turmoil.
Whether the teen is challenging the parents’ authority, doing poorly in school, or experimenting with substances, teenagers can make parents want to pull their hair out. It often feels that the efforts we make to help our kids prepare for their futures are often met with arguments, hostility and/or lack of interest. This can be remarkably frustrating and can cause us to get upset and sometimes lose our tempers. What we may not realize is that teenagers often are just posturing their defiance. They are unsure and uncertain about themselves and their futures. Yet, in trying to establish their own identities amidst their insecurities, they often act out inappropriately.The problem parents face is that they have feelings, too! When their teen is ungrateful, argumentative and just plain unpleasant, it can really irritate parents who feel they are trying their best to help their child. When parents react to their teen’s bad behavior by getting emotionally caught and reactive themselves, then things start to go downhill fast. When parents lose control and become angry, they may say and do things that they wouldn’t do if they were in control of their emotions. While the teen seems secure, often they are not, and when a parent loses control it can scare them and make them feel as if there’s no one in charge. While teens may get loud and escalate the situation, it’s harder for them to take control of the situation if the parent doesn’t get overtaken by their emotions remains calm and clear. Teens often use whatever they have at their disposal to try and get their way. Whether it’s arguing, defiance, claiming the parent doesn’t have authority over them, or just starting to yell, teens know how to push their parents’ buttons. When parents react emotionally, that’s when things start to escalate.Every time a parent gives in to their own emotional reactivity and escalates the situation, either verbally or even physically, the parent becomes more of a rival child intent on dominating the situation. This type of domination doesn’t often work and sometimes leads to terrible outcomes. When people blurt out things they can’t take back, or become physically abusive, it can cause irreparable damage to the parent/child relationship. The big question is, what can parents do to more effectively deal with a defiant child? The first step may be to recognize that their teen’s argumentativeness is normal. It’s part of their emotional growth. If parents understand that creating a level of independence is what teens need to do to figure out who they are, they can perhaps be less triggered by them. Teens who have the space to explore and create their own identities may start to reach out for their parents’ counsel. Teens are not as secure and confident as they may appear. They just don’t want you to know that.within the family. When a child tests those boundaries, it behooves the parents to not get emotionally caught. If they can maintain their composure and let the child know the behavior they’re exhibiting is not acceptable in the household, teens will hear them. They may argue and complain, but ultimately most teens will adhere to the family boundaries. When children don’t have clear boundaries within their families, they don’t know where the guard rails are. They may push against those guard rails, but when parents don’t escalate the situation and maintain their boundaries, the child feels more secure and safe. Parents who are stable and don’t get emotionally caught let the teen know that their parents are in control and have things handled. This in turn, helps the child feel secure and safe.When parents lose control, it can appear to the teen that no one is in charge and there are no boundaries in place in the family. This can cause a child to venture past whatever guard rails have been put in place and start experimenting with dangerous behaviors. That’s why it’s important for parents to know that a teen’s defiance is part of their normal development. They will most likely grow out of it. However, when parents can’t tolerate their teen’s behavior, they can lose themselves in their distress and become emotionally overwhelmed. This can scare a child and cause them to either escalate the situation or have their feelings crushed by their parents’ behavior and stop their own emotional growth. Either of these outcomes are not in the best interest of the child. Teens need their parents to keep their own emotional reactivity in check so family boundaries can be maintained and the child can feel safe and secure.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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