What is an appropriate response, assuming the repeated stories are not a sign of a major cognitive problem but just some normal short-term memory loss with age?
Q. My father is in his 70s and tells lots of stories. Often they are repeated. I am not sure how to respond when I have heard them so many times and don’t want to be rude.
What are your thoughts? M.N. , it’s a practical survival value for individuals and communities. Before written communication, knowledge and skills were passed on by word of mouth.
Over time,again can be unnerving for friends and families. As the listener, you don’t want to appear bored or rude. At the same time, you may be concerned that the repetition is a sign of potential cognitive change, memory loss, or even the onset of dementia. Most often, that’s not the case.
It’s more about conveying memories and values to a new generation. However, itRegardless of aging, when we hear a story, we are transported to another time and place. Researchers studied MRI scans of people listening to stories and found that certain areas of the brain light up when listening to a narrative. These areas involved language processing and other neural circuits.
And as we hear a story, our brain waves actuallyListening to a story narrative can be powerful. The experience might shift our core beliefs as our brain networks decipher or imagine the person’s motives or what will happen next. They can alter our attitudes and change our views on relationships, politics or the environment.
According to Melanie Green, communications professor at the University of Buffalo, “if you look at the times somebody’s beliefs have been changed,” she says, “it’s often because of a story that ‘hits them in the heart,’” as quoted in anStorytelling plays an important role for older adults. It is considered a key method to communicate what they believe is important, particularly to their children and to their loved ones.
Aat Queens University found that there are roughly 10 stories older parents typically tell their adult children. And the stories are experiences from their second or third decade of their lives, a time when they made many decisions that shaped their future. What is more important than the story is what older adults have learned from their experience.
The theme often is one of value: being loyal to friends, putting family first, maintaining a sense of humor even in hard times, getting an education, or just doing what is right. The stories selected are ones relevant to the listener, at least most of the time. So, what is an appropriate response, assuming the repeated stories are not a sign of a major cognitive problem but just some normal short-term memory loss with age?
Example: Your father tells you the story of coming to the U.S. with limited knowledge of English, no money, working in a factory, taking odd jobs to make ends meet, and then becoming a successful businessman. His message may be about the importance of patience, resilience, hard work, and never giving up. Your response might be a question such as, “What’s the lesson you learned that is important for me to know?
” And you might mention how it could apply to your life. As an alternative, you could say, “Thank you, Dad, I think we talked about your experience a few times, and I learned so much from it. ” Then move the conversation forward. Storytelling from one generation to another is a way of establishing a legacy while affirming and strengthening connections.
Thank you, M.N. , for your good question. Stay well and know, when it comes to simple virtues, kindness might be the simplest of all. Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at
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