Why scheduling sex might actually increase arousal and intimacy, by JustinLehmiller
. Both of them are researchers and experts in the area of sexual desire. Here are some of the key things they told me.As a starting point, look at this as a couple issue rather than a problem specific to one partner. When partners start blaming and shaming one another for wanting “too much” or “not enough” sex, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. In other words, think of this as a relationship issue that you need to address together—don’t go it alone.
Next, identify any potential health issues or stressors that might be tamping down desire, such as chronic fatigue or bringing a new baby into the picture. Sometimes people need to address those issues before addressing their sexual issues because they may be inextricably linked. In other words, there might be value in speaking with your doctor, re-evaluating your work-life balance, or otherwise getting a handle on the factors that might be affecting your libido before anything else.
So in some cases, partners need to spend time sharing their desires and teaching each other what does and doesn’t feel good. It’s normal to not want sex that isn’t meeting your needs—but if you can improve the quality of the sex you’re having, that can help stimulate the desire for more. As you communicate about this, do so in a healthy and productive way. For instance, if you’re feeling sexually frustrated, being confrontational with your partner can ultimately make things worse. You might end up pushing your partner further away and, in the process, making the desire discrepancy even bigger. In short, be careful not to escalate the conflict.Something else that can help is scheduling sex or having regular date nights.
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