A divorce attorney explores how conditioning, blind trust, fear of conflict, financial dependence, and emotional investment influence women’s relationships with money in marriage.
Women are conditioned from childhood to prioritize caregiving and relationships over financial security. Financial dependence can develop slowly when women step away from careers to focus on family responsibilities.
If you are a woman and haven’t yet picked up a copy of Belle Burden’s bestselling memoir, “Strangers,” I suggest grabbing a copy. A personal recounting of Burden’sfrom a high-powered attorney-turned-hedge-fund-executive, it reads like a flashing warning sign for women who are married, engaged, or contemplating marriage to consider what would happen to them if their spouseAs she was a product of generational wealth and opportunity, including university and law school at prestigious institutions, it is at first hard to understand how such an accomplished and privileged woman could compromise her financial footing so willingly.
As a divorce attorney, I’m not surprised. Not only do I see it every day, but on the cusp of my own divorce, I was, in many ways, like her. After having relinquished my financial well-being to my husband for years, I found myself with not even enough money to buy myself a chai tea. Like Burden, I should've known better.
Yet I, too, chose to leave my financial fate in my then-spouse’s hands. The question is, why did I, and why do so many other women do the same? The culprits follow. Oprah Winfrey once said, “Being a mother is the hardest job on earth.
” She followed it with another observation: “Women everywhere must declare it so. ” She was right. Little girls learn at an early age to see caring for a family as an act of love, which it is, but not what it also is: unpaid labor with possible long-term financial consequences. When women leave the workforce or scale back without fully accounting for how those years will affect their future earning power, employability, andBurden gave up those protections.
So did I.As little girls, especially those who grew up during the time Burden and I did in the '70s and '80s , we were fed the idea that, through marriage, we would enjoy our spouse’s protection. Husbands were protectors and providers, people we could trust and depend on to earn the money to put food on the table, pay the bills, file the taxes, and carry the worry so we wouldn’t have to.
Reality check: This can be true, but often is not. It wasn’t for me, and I learned as much when I opened a drawer full of tax returns that had never been filed. Burden, like me, believed the fairytale. I chose to see what I wanted to see; in my case, that the taxes were being paid because he said they were.
And that the small amount of control I had over our finances was more than it was. Burden wrote the checks for her family’s monthly bills. But only from the amount her husband doled out, which paled in comparison to his earnings. The thing is, Burden had agreed in her prenup that her husband could squirrel away his earnings for himself, money that would typically be marital property.
Burden gave up her rights to anything her husband made during their marriage simply because he had asked her to, which brings me to my next point:Obedient girls grow up to be obedient women. Women who do what’s asked of them because that’s what good girls do. They avoid conflict out of fear. Fear of how they will be perceived: difficult, greedy, selfish.
Fear of how their partners will react: cold, disappointed, angry. Sometimes it's fear ofand making decisions that would protect them financially. Understanding the power of fear makes it much easier to see why Burden, a self-proclaimed rule follower, did as her fiancé asked and didn’t object to his removing the clause in their prenup that would have entitled her to her share of what he earned during the marriage.
Or what kept me from questioning my husband’sWhen we invest money, the interest it earns compounds. Unfortunately, the same happens with financial dependence. The longer women stay out of the workplace, the more challenging it becomes to go back. And the more difficult it becomes to recoup lost earnings from years spent as a stay-at-home wife and mother.
With so much of an uphill climb, many women choose to delay their return. After all, their husbands are taking care of them. The wives do their parts, too: TheyThe partnership feels good. Secure.
Balanced. Until the husband pulls the rug out from under his wife, as Burden’s did, and leaves. Or, like me, the wife uncovers a secret she wasn’t supposed to. Something in their marriages must’ve been different..
And the more that women hear it, the better they will become at spotting harmful financial patterns before getting caught in them.is a Seattle-based family law attorney and founder of Elise Buie Family Law Group, a law firm devoted to divorce, family law, and estate planning. Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist?
Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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