To really understand – and help others “get” — your child, learn to look beyond his outbursts or low grades for the low self-esteem, restless energy, or out-of-control feelings that you can help to improve.
can help release this energy in subtle, undisruptive ways if parents and teachers get creative. If a child is tapping a pencil in class, for example, his teacher can install a sensory strip on the underside of his desk that he can noiselessly fiddle with.
Or a parent can sew the head of a toothbrush into the pocket of a favorite hoodie for the child to run his fingers across noiselessly. Special assignments work, too. Your child’s teacher could say, “Hunter, I could really use your help. When I rub my nose, can you get up, get my water bottle from my desk, refill it, and put it back on my desk? Then, go sit down without talking to anyone.” Assignments like this take 30 seconds, so the child doesn’t miss anything in class, and they create a success. Instead of another consequence, the teacher is able to dole out thanks and compliments.. For example, a teacher could say, “Lily, I know why you blurted out. You have this awesome brain that’s always filled with ideas, and you’re so passionate that you want to say them right away before you forget, but that’s unacceptable during class.” To curb the impulse to yell out, teachers may then distribute a special ticket to talk. When a child shows her ticket, the teacher can either say, “Go ahead, redeem your talk ticket.” Or, “Please hold it until after class. Write down what you want to say.”Homework requires strong executive functions, memory, focus, and attention to detail. Writing down the assignment correctly, bringing home the right books, keeping track of due dates, and handing in finished work are all challenging tasks for students with ADHD. After a day of struggling to sit still and be quiet, the last thing your child wants to do after school is sit down, be quiet, and face even more challenges. So homework becomes a nightly battle between frustrated parents and mentally exhausted children. Every evening it is a reminder of difficulties at school, and setbacks.Some kids need to stand at the kitchen counter while listening to music, tapping on a sponge, and eating a snack to get started doing homework. Some kids work better lying under the kitchen table or sitting in their closet.Try reviewing vocabulary words while your child jumps on the trampoline. Or practice multiplication tables while tossing a ball in the yard, then go back in and work on the specific problem. If you’re frustrated, your child will get frustrated, and a nasty cycle ensues. Remember that pointing out homework errors trigger a meltdown. Instead say, “I’ve circled a couple problems. When you’re ready, look at those again and come get me if you need help.” Then walk away. Give him space to figure it out. Be available without hovering, sending the message that, “I believe you’re capable, and I trust you. I know you’ll come to me if you’re struggling.”Discipline problems may spiral downward when a child who is always in trouble sees a sibling or classmate excelling — again. For a child who struggles, the natural impulse may be to say something mean, or hit the child who is receiving praise for excellent behavior or grades. After the 20timeout or lost recess, the threat of punishment simply loses its effectiveness. A better way to defuse that negativity is with positive intensity and by helping to create successes for everyone.Many kids have gifts and talents that aren’t recognized or rewarded in school. Your child opportunities to shine beyond his report card can make a world of difference in building confidence. Does your child love cooking or fixing things? Arrange for her to do odd jobs for a retired neighbor who has a similar interest. Or get her involved in service projects after school. In elementary school, focus on creating a curious, enthusiastic learner; don’t stress about grades. Some nights that may mean reading “Harry Potter” instead of doing homework, and then writing a note to the teacher. As your child ages, research internships and mentors in his field of interest. Then, ask the supervising adult to hold your child accountable, saying, “You have to keep a B average in school, do your chores at home, and then I will teach you about blueprints and architecture.”Children with ADHD may experience asynchronous development, which means they lag a year or two behind their peers emotionally and get along better with younger children. Some kids struggle to connect with peers because they don’t understand that certain behaviors aren’t age-appropriate. Behaviors that might come naturally to other children – reading social cues, transitioning to new activities, noticing minor details – are much harder for children with ADHD, and that can hurt their interactions with colleagues.Give your child the opportunity to ease into a friendship by connecting her with someone who shares a common interest. Approach a teacher at school, and ask if there is another boy or girl in class who also loves LEGOs or drawing or building structures. Then, set up a play date so they can work together on a project that showcases each child’s strengths – like building LEGO castles. Or ask the playground attendant give them a special project to create new posters to decorate the school gymnasium. At home, role play getting-to-know-you conversations where you ask questions and find common interests with new friends. Reinforce that it’s totally OK not to have a lot of friends; quality counts more than quantity.The challenge for parents is this: Train your focus away from what your child is doing wrong, and instead provide her opportunities to do well. Giver her specific jobs that user her gifts and talents in purposeful ways, and then praise her for trying her hardest and making good choices. Accentuate your child’s positive qualities, and learn to send the message, “You have gifts, talents, and passions that are advantageous, even if you don’t get the best grades. You have all of these awesome qualities unique to you.”
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