'By the time I was 10, the competition had started, both in terms of skill and who looked better in their skin-tight bedazzled dresses.'
My coach put so much emphasis on losing weight, even over my ability to master certain skills. I could land a double axel perfectly, but if I would just lose 10 more pounds, I could jump even higher.When I met my coach for the first time, she promptly put me on a weight-loss regimen.
During freestyle sessions, I would practice my skills in one corner or stay behind the hockey net. My mom always asked,"Why don't you use the whole rink, or skate in the middle where there's more space?" My excuse was that I didn't want people getting in my way, but the truth was that I didn't want to get in theirs.
After I said I was too fat to look graceful on the ice, my mom signed me up for ballet classes at the rink, which are known to help figure skaters with flexibility, balance, and ultimately, gracefulness. Then on my first day, when I refused to take off the heavy sweatshirt that I believed was covering my muffin top, she forced me to remove it, insisting that I would feel more comfortable without the hindrance of an extra layer.
All the times I said I was fatter than the other girls, my mom would say,"Maybe. But you also have a fat heart, and a fat personality. What's so bad about being fat?" Instead of lying and saying that I was just like everyone else, or feeding into my fat-shaming by agreeing that I needed to lose weight, my mom turned"fat" into a normal descriptor, not something negative or shameful.
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