We asked nine comedians about what they'd do if they had hundreds of millions of dollars to spend on a stand-up special. Here's what they came up with
Illustration: James Clapham In the world of production, a stand-up special is one of the most affordable things you can shoot. All you need is a comic, a mic, and a willing audience.
Guy Branum’s Gay-for-Pay Palm Springs Takeover Photo: Rick Kern/Getty Images I’m renting the city of Palm Springs and installing hidden cameras throughout the city for their Pride weekend in November. The city of Palm Springs is run by Republicans, and they will sell out a government for anything. I do my entire act as incidental conversations with strangers.
There’s always the question of authenticity in something like this, and with these emotional threads that we’re following, there’s the possibility that it might be a little lackluster. So we’re going to need a couple of Pulitzer Prize winners. You know, Spielberg has Tony Kushner. Let’s see if Margaret Atwood is around and have her do some live reality-show producing.
The audience is entirely made up of these puppet creatures. I’d want a lot of the budget to go to that. It would be great to cut to these creatures’ responses, and I love to imagine a world where I’m only performing for these goblin creatures. I’d also want a lot of money to go toward craft services. I’ve never been to Nobu, so the whole audience gets Nobu. And we have poffertje pancakes flown in. They’re a Dutch pancake — they’re like the lovechild of a pancake and crëpe.
Jay Jurden Is Getting Naked to Heal the Nation Photo: NBC I’d spend $10 million on Marvel celebrity endorsements: Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson. I’d even get people who aren’t associated with Marvel films: Viola Davis, a former president. If Barack Obama says, “You have to watch this comedy special,” of course people are gonna check it out. Barry never comments on this kind of stuff.
It would be like a fever dream of a Rick and Morty episode with a very good special in between. It would be as if cutaways in cartoons could happen in real life. Imagine having a bit about velociraptors and then someone in the crowd is mauled. I’d pay a bunch of money to digital analysts to create a bunch of bots to make sure everyone says it’s the best stand-up special ever. I’d give money to every famous dead comedian’s estate for them to say, “Oh yes, Lenny Bruce would have loved this.”
It’d be pretty much remade shot for shot but then I would want to end with a flight scene. So all these gold seniors are flying through the air, and I would want it to be real, like harnesses attached to some kind of plane. And I’d want it to be clear that we would all be heading south like birds. So we see the Washington Square Park arch and then we see the Freedom Tower.
We shoot it on a cruise ship, and there’s a lot of pyrotechnics. The philharmonic orchestra plays throughout. It’s almost like a wedding. Imagine a very elegant dining experience. Everyone that worked on this special would be treated like a king and fed the most luxurious Michelin-quality food. Joel Kim Booster’s Absolutely Ripped, 4-D Comedy Showdown Photo: Vivien Killilea/Getty Images for Vulture I would use the budget in the same way that Marvel movies do: I would get super-jacked. I would hire one of those insane, mean personal trainers. I think it also costs a lot of money to eat properly. I was just informed that LeBron spends $1 million on food every year. So I mean, look, that’s a chunk of the budget right there.
Sydnee Washington Sets Herself, and Her Audience, on Fire Photo: Sohrob Nayebaziz Right now I’m working on a solo show called How to Start a Fire. It’s basically about me as a little girl and all the mischief I got into. So I would have interstitials of me as a kid, and I would hire real actors to play me. Any little girl that’s been on Abbott Elementary I want. Honestly, I want the whole cast of Abbott Elementary. I want Quinta Brunson to be a teacher. I want Janelle James as my principal.
When the actual fire happens, I want my outfit to turn into something that is a reflection of a fire. So if I could wear a kind of mirrorish costume, that would be dope — so it’s like the audience is seeing themselves on fire too. Maybe I should change my answer to blowing my budget on the biggest celebrities. It would be like Punk’d meets Fear Factor. I would love to get Steven Yeun, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tom Cruise and then make everything else really low budget. So they’ll be doing this ridiculous show in the smallest room — maybe it’s the second stage at the PIT — wearing Spirit Halloween costumes.
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