We Had to End My Daughter's Life at 23 Weeks, but I Didn't Realize I Had an Abortion

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We Had to End My Daughter's Life at 23 Weeks, but I Didn't Realize I Had an Abortion
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Hanna Neuschwander was 21 weeks pregnant when she learned that her daughter's brain was not forming normally. Faced with the hardest decision of her life, the 38-year-old chose to induce labor at 23 weeks and spend the all-too-brief moments holding her daughter before she died. It was only weeks later that Neuschwander, from Portland, Oregon, realized that what she had was considered an abortion, and would be restricted in many other states. She shared her story with PEOPLE to raise awareness of why people have abortions in their second trimester.

I have two living children, a 5 year old and a 1 year old. I’ve had five pregnancies. The first one ended in early miscarriage. Then I had my oldest daughter. And then I got pregnant again in 2016. My husband and weren’t trying, but we were thrilled. I went for my 20-week ultrasound and everything seemed fine, but about a week and half later we got a call from a genetic counselor who said there were some abnormalities and they wanted to get us in as soon as possible.

The thing that was really frustrating was that no other person, no medical professional, no paper that I read, no one could answer that question for us. At the time I was extremely angry about that, but at the end of the day, that decision ended up being ours to make. I got really quiet and tried to discern, what do you want? Who are you? Are you there? Do you want to live? And I got nothing back. I got no answer. And for me, that was the answer.I don’t think she would’ve had any kind of life.

About two weeks later was the third 2016 presidential debate, where Clinton and Trump got into it over abortion. He painted this caricature of late-term abortions that was completely opposite of my experience, and so mean and violent in the way that he described it. I literally ran into the bathroom, vomited, and couldn’t stop. I was so sick. And the weirdest thing is, that was the moment I realized that I’d had an abortion.

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