We may be retaliating without noticing what we are doing, especially in relationships we say are important to us. Here is a chance to see what we are really up to.
Grief about being wronged is an appropriate first response, rather than immediately retaliating.Retaliatory sentiments are often spoken silently in our minds, and sometimes aloud. We react to people and events with hostility and“I asked the person in authority for the permission I wanted.
She refused to give it to me. I asked elsewhere and got it. Then, for spite, I made sure she saw that I now had it. I showed her she could not stop me from getting what I wanted.” “I was treated less than courteously at a restaurant, so I won’t go back there. I posted a negative online review in order to get even.” “I won’t make concessions, since you haven’t.”career“I show the people who tried to ruin my life that I am better off in my new life away from them.” “I show the person who rejected me that the rejection has not fazed me.” An example is replying to a rejecting email with a thumbs-up emoji.“She never said she was sorry, so I want nothing more to do with her.”“I am glad the states that don’t support legislation I favor will lose federal funding.” There are alternatives to retaliating. Let’s look at the practice of going beyond retaliation. We can engage in all four steps, or however many of them are appropriate for the person or for the nature of the relationship:about our suffering, if only for a moment. Grief is a combination of sadness that we were injured, anger at the one who inflicted the injury, andthat it might happen again. A grief response exists on a spectrum. It can be based on anything from having our feelings hurt tofrom a deep betrayal. Our practice is simply to feel whatever we feel, in accord with the lightness or heaviness of the hurt, rather than immediately jump to payback. 2. We can speak up and say “Ouch!” or the equivalent to the other person in whatever nonviolent form works for us. Since our practice happens in the context of3. We can ask the person who offended us to engage in a dialogue with us to work things out. We can do this without blame or judgment of the other person. Our goal in a dialogue with someone we relate to in daily life is reconciliation. This happens when we let go of resentment, ill will, blame, and any need to retaliate. Letting go of those four obstacles to love is what is meant by4. We can silently include the offending person in our loving-kindness practice that day or simply send goodwill, compassion, and wishes for their enlightenment. A loving-kindness aspiration for someone might be: “May good things happen for you. May you find Buddha’s way.”In self-compassion, we keep in mind that the inclination to retaliate is so deeply embedded in our animal nature that, oftentimes, we don’t even notice it happening. Success in our practice is not about noticing every retaliatory thought or action. We have integrity when, each time that weSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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