+34
Relationship advice: This purchase is indicative of priorities that could affect this couple’s long-term relationship.
Wanda and Wayne, When our Permanent Fund dividends arrived the other day, I thought my boyfriend and I were about to plan our first real vacation together for just the two of us in Hawaii.
Instead, he spent all $1,200 as a partial payment on a used snowmachine trailer he’s buying with a buddy! I’m furious and hurt. We’ve been together practically since high school and we’ve always assumed we’d be together and get married. I’m responsible with money.
He has debt from trade school, a truck loan and a credit card. When we were younger, he was an impulsive spender, but over the past year, things changed. He’s been paying down his debt and has become more responsible with money. I’d almost convinced him to trade in his truck, his biggest debt, for something more affordable.
We’ve talked about Hawaii for months and he was genuinely excited. I’ve been watching sales and imagining our big trip.
Then the trailer deal derailed it. And he already has a perfectly good trailer! It’s just old, small and I’m sure not as cool as this one. But he was with buddies and couldn’t pass up what he thought was a great deal and a shared purchase.
Now he’ll owe more money on an upgrade he doesn’t need while still carrying other debts. He’s sorry and knows I’m upset. He says he wishes he could take it back but that really bothers me: He didn’t think twice and he didn’t ask me before he bought it. Something cool came along and everything else disappeared.
I’m so frustrated that I’m considering a serious heart-to-heart that could end with me taking a break from the relationship. That might be extreme over $1,200, but honestly I think this is more about his decision-making than how he uses money. If we’re going to get married someday, can I trust him not to make big financial investments with me? What happens when we’re saving for a house, paying for a wedding or raising kids?
I also don’t want to be the girlfriend who’s constantly telling her boyfriend how to spend his money or is always the buzzkill. Am I overreacting to one stupid purchase or is this a flaw I need to take seriously? Wayne says: I can imagine this guy saving for a year to buy you the perfect engagement ring … and then a sweet jet ski catches his eye. You’re right: This isn’t just about a $1,200 trailer upgrade.
It’s about your boyfriend’s impulsive decisions and spending, and whether you two are actually an ideal long-term fit. Oh, and the fact that he already has a damn trailer! He’s sorry? OK.
Save the heart-to-heart and tell him to sell his stake in the trailer to another bro. If he wishes he could take it back, he’ll show you rather than tell you. He’ll feel like an ass around his buddies for a while, but that’s the cost of making a dumb decision. Hopefully, he’ll accept the consequences and appreciate that paying down some debt and taking a trip with his longtime girlfriend/potential life partner are more important right now.
If he can’t or won’t, then you’ve learned something: you still can’t trust him to make a responsible choice when a fun one is also an option. But Hawaii is also fun. So I wonder, was this just a conversation between the two of you or a real plan? If spending on a vacation wasn’t positioned as a serious PFD priority for you both, then he may not have understood how important it is to you.
You aren’t trying to control his money or his life. You’re trying to figure out if the two of you are compatible for a relationship that will come with big decisions about money, priorities and communication. And remember: You own part of that communication flow, too. Hopefully, you’ll both look back on this as the moment things shifted in a positive direction for your shared financial future.
If not, it may be the moment that saved you from more expensive mistakes in the future. Wanda says: You’ve been together since you were very young, and somewhere along the way, it sounds like you may have become the financial grown-up in this relationship. You’re watching sales, thinking ahead, making plans and encouraging smart financial decisions. He’s buying toys.
You’re understandably frustrated when he veers off course. But be careful navigating this dynamic: No one wants to feel like a nag and no one wants to date a parental figure. Give him some credit for paying down debt and trying to be more responsible. It’s fair to say this one impulsive purchase doesn’t erase that progress.
But it does expose some spending spontaneity on his end that could be problematic as you navigate wedding planning and home-buying. Of course, you aren’t there yet. You aren’t married, and his money is his money. Unless you’d booked hotels and flights, Hawaii was still a dream-in-progress, and if he wanted to spend his PFD on a trailer, he didn’t need your permission.
You’re still allowed to be disappointed, and while you may hope to be consulted on his purchasing decisions, you can’t expect to have approval authority. So don’t give up on this guy over a trailer. Instead, talk about debt, spending, savings and what each of you thinks financial partnership looks like. And when you agree to save toward something together, what does that commitment actually mean?
Then take your PFD and buy that Hawaii ticket. Pack a couple good beach reads and a positive attitude. A solo vacation is great for the soul. While he’s dragging his snowmachine around Turnagain Pass, you can sip mai tais and soak up some rays on Waikiki Beach.
I’m guessing he’ll be waiting and quite happy to see you when you return home.
Scratch the next story
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News: You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
UCLA Football Committee Backfield Led by Wayne Knight Powers Bruins Run GameUCLA running back Wayne Knight headlines a three-man committee backfield with Anthony Woods and Jaivian Thomas that keeps the Bruins ground game fresh and effective.
Read more »
Hawaii’s iconic Hōlei Sea Arch landmark collapses into ocean after 500 yearsThe 90-foot arch on the Big Island was still standing Wednesday, Sept. 23, but was gone by Sunday night, Sept. 27.
Read more »
Hawaii's Hōlei Sea Arch collapses into ocean after 500 yearsThe 90-foot Hōlei Sea Arch in Hawaii Volcanoes National Park collapsed into the Pacific Ocean between September 23 and September 27 during a temporary park closure for Tropical Storm Nolo.
Read more »
San Jose State’s visit to Hawaii feels like a homecoming for many SpartansNiumatalolo, Weaver are among San Jose State’s multiple connections to the Islands as they return for the Dick Tomey Legacy Game on Saturday night.
Read more »