This article explores the benefits of validation over lecturing when addressing challenging behaviors in children. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Fleck advocates for active listening and acknowledging a child's emotions, even if exaggerated, creating a space for constructive dialogue and behavior change.
Instead of lecturing children when they exhibit undesirable behaviors, such as refusing to go to the grocery store or skipping school, psychologists suggest a more effective approach: active listening and validation. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Fleck, an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University and author of the forthcoming book 'Validation,' emphasizes the importance of validating a child's feelings.
Fleck argues that when children feel heard and understood, they are more receptive to changing their behavior. She exemplifies this approach with her own children. When her daughter resisted doing chores, Fleck didn't reprimand her but instead inquired about her emotional response. 'She'll give me a wildly inaccurate depiction of what went down,' Fleck recounts. 'She describes me as screaming at her and throwing things, and really, I asked her to empty the dishwasher.' By acknowledging her daughter's feelings, even if exaggerated, Fleck created a judgment-free space.Fleck then explains the necessity of fulfilling certain responsibilities, emphasizing that while chores might be unpleasant, they are essential. This strategy, according to Fleck, involves validating the emotion while addressing the invalid behavior that requires modification. Social Psychologist Adam Galinsky from Columbia Business School supports this approach. He highlights that consistently invalidating a child's emotions can lead to shame, which hinders critical thinking and problem-solving. Galinsky contrasts shame with guilt, stating that guilt motivates repair, while shame often encourages avoidance. By separating a child's feelings from their tantrum, parents can teach them that frustration and disappointment are natural but that respectful behavior is always expected.
Parenting Child Development Emotional Validation Communication Skills Behavior Modification
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