Unloved Daughters: How Your Parents' Marriage Shaped You

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Unloved Daughters: How Your Parents' Marriage Shaped You
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So much of what we know about adult relationships hinges on the way our parents interact with each other. Here's why.

problem-solving with the child, setting behavioral limits, and strategizing ways to deal with the situation that led to the negative emotion.Interestingly, the researchers did not connect emotion coaching to parental warmth and noted that concerned and positive parents can be oblivious to the world of emotions.

But what they surmised about parents who embraced a dismissive meta-emotion philosophy is key to the discussion of how your parents’ marriage affected you, especially in a household characterized by dead silence when it came to feelings.

Other observations about what the researchers called this emotion-dismissing philosophy will ring bells for many who grew up in these households. They noted that sadness was often perceived as a burden on the parents, a problem they had to fix, and that by dismissing sadness as unimportant, the child would become happy. Additionally, some put time limits on how long sadness could be displayed and became impatient or irritated when the child didn’t change her emotional demeanor.

What these parents didn’t do is explain or describe their child’s emotional experience, help the child with either her emotions or how to solve or address the problem that evoked these emotions, or see the emotion as beneficial in any way or providing any opportunity, either for intimate connection or teaching. Further, the researchers noted that many dismissing families actually punished their children or put them in a timeout for expressing anger.

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