Children do not set out to defy, disappoint, and lie to their parents and teachers each day. They want to earn our praise just as much as the obedient kid who lives down the street. So why do some children with ADHD seem to be so oppositional all the time?
She knows she’s not supposed to have food in her room. I’ve said it a million times. And yet, under her bed I find empty potato chip bags and cereal bowls with spoons stuck to the dried, crusty milk. No wonder her room, which looks like a department store explosion, also smells like a goat farm. When I confront my 12-year-old daughter, she returns an eye roll and asks what the big deal is.
The desk in my 9-year-old son’s room is set up perfectly for his homework. Well-lit and spacious, it has everything he needs for his history project about the mill in our town. When I pop my head in to see how he’s doing, I catch him on the floor with his Pokémon cards. “Get back in the chair and work on your project!” Unreal. Fifteen minutes — that’s all I’m asking because I’m an attention deficit disorder mom, and I know he needs frequent breaks.
, sequencing, planning, organizing within space and time. So, in his frustration, he impulsively mouths off. Or gouges marks into his desk.On the surface, it seems like pure defiance. After all, my response is even met with an eye roll! But this is her unmet need: her ADHD meds take away her appetite, so she doesn’t eat at scheduled mealtimes. But, later, after everyone is in bed, her tummy grumbles.
I was hungry and tired. And I will be tonight also, so I’ll probably do it again, because I don’t know how else to solve this problem.Imagine someone politely asks you to speak Chinese. You can’t, so you don’t. Then, slightly more irritated, they ask again. They can speak Chinese very easily, so they assume you can, too. In fact, everyone around you seems to know how to speak it easily. So, it’s kind of embarrassing that you can’t. You want to be able to, just like your friends. Your sister.
You feel like a failure. Eventually, you get really frustrated. Because the request is unreasonable, but no one sees that. You feel awful about yourself, and the whole situation angers you. The next time someone asks you to speak Chinese, you blow. And they get even angrier at you.These kids are exhausting; there is no sugar-coating it. We have to be on our toes constantly, ever mindful of how we phrase things, our tone, and what we’re asking. Just like our children, we will make mistakes.
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