REDWOOD CITY, CA—As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute.
“Well, I guess that’s egg on my face, because I genuinely thought this purplish lump I’ve been growing inside me for the past nine months would be adorable,” said Jeffries, observing that in retrospect, she probably should have known, given that every other time she’s gone to the hospital and had something removed from her body it’s been totally hideous.
“I’ve had loads of things come out of my vagina, but I would never call any cysts, growths, or human waste ‘cute.’ I guess I thought this time would be different. But this might be the ugliest thing my body’s made yet.” At press time, Jeffries added that she wasn’t sure why she thought any good could come from having a hairy, out-of-shape man repeatedly shove his penis inside her.
Anatomy Women's Health Human Female Reproductive System Rose Jeffries Mammal Female Reproductive System Gynaecology The Onion
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Prison for Texas man who thought the woman he ran over was a dogIsrael Lee Lopez told police he fled the accident on the South Side that killed Yvonne Arias because he was scared. He got 12 years.
Read more »
Records: Woman reports being assaulted in Scottsdale by man she thought was ride-share driverThe revised autopsy from Pinal County says Air Evac Services administered the ketamine to the pilot after the crash occurred.
Read more »
Woman Always Thought She Would Have More Impressive Showerhead By This AgeKNOXVILLE, TN—Admitting it was pretty disappointing to still be using a standard, single-function water fixture every morning, local 28-year-old Kelsey Bishop told reporters Wednesday that she had always thought she’d have a far more impressive showerhead by this point in her life.
Read more »
Why Ariana Madix Thought About 'Literally Slitting' Tom Sandoval's ThroatThe reality star got fed up with her ex on the latest episode of 'Vanderpump Rules.'
Read more »
Benjamin Franklin's Kite Experiment: Why The French Thought He Invented ElectricityThe French thanked Franklin for it constantly.
Read more »
Why Taylor Swift Fans Thought She'd Be a Special Guest on 'New Heights'Taylor Swift fans were convinced she would make an appearance on boyfriend Travis Kelce's 'New Heights' podcast
Read more »