On my third Christmas without my mom, I am taking a lesson from Claudia, and coming up with some traditions of my own.
Since my mother died, I’ve been trying to understand my own seasons of grief. It’s been two and a half years without her, and so far I’ve managed to deduce that the gut-scraping pangs begin around Thanksgiving, arriving with the inflated balloons of the Macy’s Parade, impossibly large and just as unwieldy. If Thanksgiving is the grief appetizer, Christmas is the main dish, with a misery hangover that stretches just past my birthday in March.
But as someone susceptible to the holiday sads, I found my despair disorienting, set against the happy palm trees and warm sun. Plus, I just felt like a terrible house guest. So this year, we are staying in Brooklyn, and I’m experimenting with making the space to grieve, because the grief will come—though maybe some of that Crimpus joy will, too, if I just give myself a little more room to feel.
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