WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean. “These horrible rules created by Barack Obama are one of the worst examples of government overreach in our nation’s history, and they are totally unfair to the deadly leviathan known as Gangthor,” said Trump, who was later overheard muttering ancient incantations reportedly intended to loosen the cursèd chains that shackle the nefarious shadow-behemoth to the ocean floor. “I will personally swim to the bottom of the Pacific and use a golden key inscribed with mysterious runes to unlock Gangthor’s lair, where he has slumbered since the destructive Clean Water Rule of 2015 was issued. This shape-shifting, multi-tentacled monster will then once more be unleashed upon the waters of the United States, restoring the property rights of American farmers, fossil fuel companies, and real estate developers.” The president went on to criticize “prophets of doom” who have predicted Gangthor the Malevolent will rise in a column of smoke and fire upon his release, blocking out the sun and blighting the earth with a thousand years of darkness.
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