Get down to Inbox Zero. Or at least Inbox 7,329, which would still be a big improvement.
After a mere ninety minutes, the baby is finally down for her nap. This is my chance to get some work done while the house is quiet.
I should check my to-do list:Get down to Inbox Zero. Or at least Inbox 7,329, which would still be a big improvement. Volunteer at a local food bank. Run a marathon.
If I can’t complete the mileage during the nap, I can finish up during my other large chunk of free time—after the baby “goes to sleep” at night. Catch up with all my old college friends by commenting, “Cute! ” on their most recent Instagram posts. I mean, they need homes, and I have the time.
The baby is asleep. Order six hundred pounds of kitten food on Amazon. For cost efficiency, choose a sketchy third-party vender. We’re talking forty-seven kittens, after all—we’ll need to cut some corners.
Agree to help, because what else am I doing? My baby’s asleep. But, first, do some digging on the vendor, and discover that their “kitten food” business is actually a front for an interstate drug-smuggling operation. Typical.
If it’s not spit-up, it’s some other mess! Call in all of this information to the F.B. I. tip line. I’m never going to get to the laundry if I try to solve this problem all on my own.
It’s O.K. for moms to ask for help—that’s what everyone says on Reddit. Learn from the F.B. I. that it wasn’t just an interstate drug-smuggling situation. I successfully exposed a multinational spy ring!
It’s all very “Ocean’s Eleven. ” Or “Ocean’s Twelve. ” Or, I don’t know—whichever one was all girls. Receive a classified briefing via Zoom .
Learn that the spy ring was planning to hack the global water supply, and that I provided the critical intel to stop them. Accept the congratulations of several major heads of state. Not the hot one, though, because unfortunately it turns out that Canadians voted him out. Bummer.
Decline an invitation to the Nobel Prize ceremony because it doesn’t align with the baby’s wake windows.do, if she slept for thirty minutes. But at around minute eighteen, I hear her wails through the monitor. Tomorrow, I’ll definitely get to the laundry. And Monday, I’ll do the spy-ring thing. ♦
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