You've tried everything to motivate others, but the harder you push, the more they resist. New research reveals why this backfires, and three simple shifts that work.
When people struggle to follow through, they're experiencing normal psychological ambivalence., yet remains glued to their phone. Your coworker agrees to finish a project by Friday, but Monday arrives with excuses instead of results.
A friend commits to joining you at the gym, then cancels at the last minute—again. Most of us have been on both sides of these scenarios. The question that perplexes parents, managers, teachers, and friends:"How do you actually motivate someone to follow through?". When someone is driven from within, motivation is less likely to wane, and you won't feel drained by constantly giving direction.We wrongly think motivation works like a light switch—either someone is motivated or they're not. When people don't follow through, we try to flip that switch by making stronger arguments, explaining why it's important, offering rewards or consequences, or repeating ourselves loudly each time.reveals that motivation is less like a light switch and more like a conversation between two voices in someone's head. One voice says,"I should do this." While another says,"I don't want to." The technical term for this internal debate is"ambivalence," and it's the real reason people struggle to follow through.Think about the last time you felt torn between doing something you knew you should do and avoiding it. Maybe it was making a difficult phone call, starting an exercise routine, or having a tough conversation. Notice how your mind bounced between reasons to do it and reasons to avoid it. This internal debate is completely normal; this is known as the"ambivalence stage" of change, where most people get stuck. The key insight: people don't need more reasons to change—they need help resolving their internal conflict about changing. This is where communication becomes crucial. The way others talk to us during moments of ambivalence can either help us work through the conflict or make it worse.A study our team conducted this year tested these ideas in a high-stakes environment: an in-home EEG diagnostic scheduling center. Patients regularly called to cancel appointments with vague excuses—"something came up" or"I'm too busy." Staff typically responded with reminders about why the appointment was important or policies about cancellation fees. Our team, led by Karol Nedza, did something different. He trained scheduling staff to recognize that most cancellations weren't really about being"too busy"—they were about ambivalence. Patients felt torn between wanting to take care of their health and feeling Instead of convincing patients, staff expressed care and responded humanely to patients' concerns. The results challenged everything we thought we knew about motivation.When someone shares a concern, resist the urge to immediately solve their problem. Instead, reflect what you heard:"It sounds like you're worried about taking time away from your family for this test." This simple acknowledgment often helps people feel understood enough to keep talking.Ambivalence isn't a character flaw; it's normal human behavior. Saying,"It makes sense that you'd feel torn about this," helps people feel understood and less alone with their internal conflict. Asking questions about the concern itself helps them find their solution.Paradoxically, reminding people that the choice is ultimately theirs often helps them make better choices."Whatever you decide, I want to make sure it feels right for you," communicates respect for their independence and encourages autonomy.The healthcare scheduling team tracked results over three months. What they found challenges everything we think we know about motivation: Same-day cancellations dropped significantly when staff used these communication techniques. Call length didn't increase, so there wasn't an additional cost to listen more. Individual staff members who consistently applied these principles reduced cancellations by up to 50 percent. The effect got stronger over time, suggesting both staff and patients learned to have better conversations. The most important finding: When patients did need to cancel, they were much more likely to reschedule rather than disappear entirely. The improved communication didn't just reduce cancellations—it strengthened the relationship between patients and the healthcare system.—a moment when someone decides whether to trust you, open up to you, or shut down.Do you give advice or listen deeper?Do you try to control their decision or support their autonomy?The next time someone in your life is struggling with follow-through—whether it's your teenager, partner, friend, or coworker—try this approach:Listen without immediately trying to fix everything:"That sounds difficult."The research ultimately reveals: Motivation isn't something you can give to someone else. It's something you can help them discover within themselves. When we try to motivate people through arguments, pressure, or consequences, we're essentially trying to think for them. But when we use motivational communication, we're helping them think more clearly for themselves. The healthcare scheduling team learned this lesson powerfully. As one member put it:"You reminded me to be human first." It's a good reminder for all of us. In an age where computers are becoming more human, the last thing we need is to become more like computers. These communication strategies won't guarantee someone will change, but they will get you closer to understanding what truly motivates them. More importantly, they'll improve your relationship and leave you with more energy at the end of the day. Co-authored with Karol Nedza, Ph.D., an applied psychologist specializing in motivation and behavior change. He has taught motivational interviewing and applied psychology at the University of Plymouth and is currently working with the STEM Transformation Institute at Florida International University.Find a Life Coaching TherapistLife never gets easier. Fortunately, psychology is keeping up, uncovering new ways to maintain mental and physical health, and positivity and confidence, through manageable daily habits like these. How many are you ready to try?Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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