'The hundreds of conversations I've had made me realize so many people, including doctors, really have no clue about someone like me.'
Courtesy of Ryan Rae HarbuckI remember those words from my obstetrician like it was yesterday. And, while she genuinely felt she was empowering me to be confident about my upcoming labor and delivery, she terrified me to the core.That conversation, like hundreds of others I’ve had, made me realize so many people, including doctors, really have no clue about someone like me.
Feeling miserable, I arrived at every doctor’s appointment with questions and scenarios as to how this pregnancy might continue to progress. No one could answer anything for me, including my greatest question of them all:Now that I’ve been through two deliveries, I can tell youFor my first pregnancy, my water broke, I was dilated, and in active labor, but I had no clue whatsoever. Lucky for me, I had just shown up to a routine third-trimester appointment after finishing my morning day job.
The author holding her newborn, Van, in the hospital in Denver, Colorado, after being readmitted with complications just weeks after he was born .No one could tell me if I was going to be able to push, but everyone had hoped. My desire to be able to do it was felt throughout the entire hospital ward, no doubt. Although the fear of it also sat sharp in my throat.
Not really understanding fully which muscles in my body were actually responding and reciprocating my efforts, I desperately thought of things to try to make that PUSH happen. I thought of really big jumping, like squat-jump jumping. I thought of really deep, doubled-over coughing. I even tried thinking of pooping. The thinking alone was making me woozy.
I had convinced myself that I was going to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby between my legs. I went to bed wearing loose pants ― no joke, just in case! Nearly every night I would wake up distressed and feel under the sheets, just to be sure.
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