Everything is difficult.
First, and most important: You don’t hate your kids. In fact, you love your kids so much that every day, even though you may be suffering from a low-grade death wish , you make yourself get out of bed and push through.
You tell your children that Mommy gets sad sometimes and it’s okay and you swallow it, swallow it, swallow it hard; you hug them and you make yourself find the jacket and you know deep down that this is not about the fucking jacket at all.Every other stay-at-home mother does the things you do. But for you, it’s harder. You can only do them out of a sheer force of will and an incomprehensible depth of love. Because to be depressed means to not want to move.
Other depressed adults see other adults. You do not. You see small people staring up at you, making demands, then saying, “Mama? Mama? Why are you crying, Mama?” But through all this terrible pain, through this haze of misery, you must add the everyday duties of motherhood. You. But help isn’t coming. No one can hear your SOS call; they’ve stopped looking for the life raft; they called off the search parties. You must carry the weight of your children and the weight of your own pain. You must struggle under both.
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