“I feel like I’m back in high school, when a new crush felt exciting precisely because of the sense of possibility it gave me. It felt like anything could happen,” writes kerensacadenas
Illustration: By Stevie Remsberg Lately, I’ve been overcome by a nostalgia that has me falling back into childhood habits, listening to a lot of early-aughts emo, and spending weekends rereading a decade of old journals. It feels weird to revisit these intricately detailed entries that record every waking moment of my teenage life, from almost failing geometry to developing a regrettable love of Kevin Smith films.
I’m certainly not the first to say that dating as an adult sucks. It’s hard not to feel whittled down by the repetition of awful small talk over too expensive drinks that might, at best, lead to mediocre sex. Once even that outcome became impossible, the idea of trying to meet new people right now seemed truly terrible. But I’ve been totally surprised to find that not only has recent dating exceeded my expectations, it might actually be better than it ever was before.
Then there’s the fact that dating back then came down to three major things: constantly talking on the phone, making mixtape after mixtape, and longing for any sort of physical contact. This is more or less all I do these days. For the first time since I was a teen, I’ve had marathon phone calls, chatting away for hours on end. After long days filled with Zooms, looking at another screen feels exhausting.
And when you’re not on the phone for five-hour stretches, there’s always a playlist to make. I don’t want to say I used to make mixtapes for just anyone, but I did make mixtapes for pretty much anyone. So when I created one early on in quarantine, I let muscle memory guide me through carefully selecting songs, trying to balance meaning with perfect melodic flow. Exchanging mixes has always been an earnest, straightforward way of letting someone into your life.
When I was in high school, I longed for touch and daydreamed about a hand brushing mine or grasping my shoulder. I was always too afraid to make the first move and instead resigned myself to imagining what it might feel like to grab the person I liked by the lapels and kiss them with abandon. Now, that same feeling permeates every text I send or song I put on a playlist.
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