“The conversations are not about the relationship. The conversation is the relationship. What gets talked about, and how it gets talked about, determines what’s going to happen — whether a relationship will thrive or flatline or fail.”
Scott said people ask themselves this question when they aren’t prepared to answer it — you can’t know if you want a relationship with someone else until you know your life is working for you. Otherwise, you might think that your unhappiness and frustrations are about the other person, not yourself.
It’s important to have a conversation about the things that are essential for you both to be happy staying in the relationship. It’s as simple as asking, “I want to understand your conditions. Here are mine,” Scott said. Conditions might be monogamy, truth, kindness, or even a love of dogs.“Every once in a while, you want to take the temperature of your relationship,” Scott said. That way, you learn more about each other and find out if there are unrealized goals or something your partner wants.
Ask your partner what’s the most important thing on their mind, listen openly, and ask questions without offering advice. “It’s not one of those conversations where you address everything in one sitting,” Scott said. “It’s touching base and prioritizing what needs your attention sooner and what can wait a little bit longer.”This conversation is about recognizing your partner’s actions and contributions in a meaningful way. “‘Thanks, babe,’ doesn’t cut it,” Scott said.
“You need to say, ‘Hey, I recognize that what I said to you was a mistake. I’m very sorry, and I want to apologize to you. I hope you can forgive me, and I want to do better,” Scott said. And don’t ruin the apology by adding an excuse.This conversation centers on talking about problems. Scott points out that problems exist whether you talk about them or not. And talking about them is how you can solve them. Otherwise, one of you will probably blow up, eventually.
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