Writer Sarah Rose Yalowitz reveals how living through the Covid-19 pandemic triggered her anorexia nervosa.
My first few days of self-isolation were marked by anxiety attacks. My heart rate was rapid. I cried for hours at a time. And yet I couldn’t piece together what exactly was bothering me. At first I thought that maybe it was a fear of loneliness; my only roommate is my dog, and I knew that he would be my sole physical company for the indefinite future. Or maybe it was the fear of the coronavirus itself – of what it could do to my grandparents and other fragile loved ones.
The work I have been doing in therapy in the years since has prepared me well for the possibility that I would experience a relapse in recovery, and, nine years later, I am once more suffering from an episode of anorexia nervosa. In hindsight, it’s not surprising that this pandemic was what triggered it. Our global response to coronavirus has been inextricably tied to food.
For me, anorexia is activated like a switch, and when it’s turned on, it’s as though I have an enemy living inside my head. Each meal is a battle. It makes me question both what and how much I should eat. When it’s mealtime, it suggests tasks or chores for me to do — little ways to put off eating for as long as possible. The lack of sufficient calories leads to an increase in my cortisol levels, making it very challenging for me to fall and stay asleep and heightening my stress.
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