'All I want is more time with them, to hit pause, not on their growing and changing, but on me and the version of myself as a parent that I am right now.' amil writes
Photo-Illustration: by the Cut; Photos Getty Images As a parent, I do a lot of math in my head. I make constant calculations about how many ounces of milk is enough or too much, try and negotiate if my toddler is 23-37 pounds for the size-four diapers or 37 pounds or more for the size up. I weigh ages in months versus weight versus pounds to make sure my babies aren’t getting too much fever medicine but still getting better.
Sometimes I feel the cruel contours of that idea very literally, like when my toddler demands to be picked up and carried just as my back screams out after a long day of sitting in a bony but aesthetically pleasing plastic office chair for eight-plus hours, preceded and followed by hauling around and cleaning after two kids.
When I first even started to entertain the idea of having kids, I was already in my 30s and even then it scared the shit out of me. How would I know how to be, and who would I have to become in order to do it right? I wasn’t alone amongst my group of friends either, no one I knew had kids then, save for a few outliers who, quite ungenerously, seemed like aliens to me.
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