The traps that parents need to avoid.
Parenting practices today often don’t allow for discomfort and independence.works like the rungs of a ladder. It happens in stages; each one builds on the one before it. If a rung is missing, the child will likely have trouble climbing the ladder to the next developmental stage.
Missing rungs occur when children don’t get their needs met. Missing developmental milestones are going to happen; it’s normal. No parent is perfect, and all will make mistakes. However, if too many rungs are missing, it becomes very difficult for the child to reach the stage they need to even if they are the correct age. When children don’t go through natural child developmental processes, the symptoms that ensue manifest behaviorally and emotionally and can fit the criteria for mental health diagnoses. A significant number of today’s young people are experiencing a decline in their mental health; a recent study from Harmony Healthcare IT showedIn my practice, I see two major issues that I believe are root causes for the mental illness epidemic. These issues go hand in hand and are intertwined — the use of digital technology in childhood and. When children are on devices, they are not engaging in the real world. The real world is messy sometimes. It presents experiences that cause discomfort, pain,, or frustration for a child. It feels good to be on a device, better than working through something hard, and an underdeveloped brain struggles to choose the real world over the online world. Afrom Common Sense Media found that 40% of children have their own tablet by the age of two. Smart devices have become an accessory to childhood. Usage of smart devices wires the brain for compulsive use. Toddlerhood is hard. Frustration tolerance is lacking at this age and must be fostered and taught by the parent. A tablet allows an easy way out of uncomfortable feelings for the child and parent. A dysregulated two-year-old can wreak havoc on a household. Giving a child a device creates peace and calm temporarily. It’s short-term relief that causes a long-term problem. Not fostering frustration tolerance and learning to calm the body, rather being given dopamine, causes the brain to want dopamine more often. Children aren’t gaining the necessary skills they need to wire their brains to manage hard things and day-to-day frustrations.Many parents have adopted a parenting model that does not allow for discomfort. As a result, their children aren’t maturing and growing to be independent, self-trusting, secure adults. For example, I have heard parents say, “It’s not the terrible twos; it’s the terrible threes.” This is because from 18 months to three years, children experience the will and authority stage of psychosocial development. They begin to learn the word “no” and resist their parents’ rules and. It has historically been dubbed the terrible twos because, naturally, it’s a challenge for parents — one that should not be avoided. Children at this age have two tasks: they must learn to communicate their boundaries and respect their parents’ boundaries. A parent’s boundary at two is designed to keep a child safe, as in “No, you cannot run in the street.” This is to be respected by the child for their good. During this time, a child’s boundary should be respected by the parent when the child exhibits a need for independence. This age is the first of three points in childhood where children are exploring a natural separation from their parents. If you’ve been around a two-year-old, you know that they often say, “Do it myself.” They want to try new things, work through something hard, and get to the other side of it. This aids in a connection to self. If they feel this, they will feel strong and capable to continue to be autonomous and independent, which is the developmental task from ages three to five. The will and authority stage of development is the stepping stone for moving into autonomy and independence. Many parents today do not allow for children to do things by themselves, fearing the child will be frustrated or they will get hurt. The parent often does the task for their child to avoid their discomfort. Preventing children at this age from doing hard things such as building fine motor skills by using their fingers to try and button and zip, tasks that require little fingers to do hard things, can fracture their development and make it difficult for them in the next stage. Some parents are also afraid of their two-year-olds, and they back down on their boundaries. They don’t want the tantrum, so they give in on the rules. This is a temporary good feeling that leads to a long-term problem because it causes the child to feel unsafe. The child then moves into three not knowing how to have a boundary or respect one, and becomes dysregulated. They have large outbursts well into the preschool years and beyond. Thus, the terrible threes.If parents allowed children to attempt and fail at doing hard things, they would move into each phase of development feeling ready for more independence. Giving children the ability to work through hard things and delaying technology use can prevent behavioral issues, mental health decline, and parent- child disconnection. It allows parents to feel in control of raising a healthy child who can fly when it’s time!Find a Parenting TherapistBeing overly polite might seem kind, but it often leads to problems anyway, in relationships, with friends, and at work.
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