You've been trying to improve your sex life the wrong way. The real recipe has nothing to do with sex itself. It's simpler than you think.
There are three types of lovemaking: physical, emotional, and mental. Many couples focus mostly on one.therapyand wanting something else, they opened things up. It woke something in them, but, ultimately, brought more confusion and pain than connection.
In therapy, we shifted the focus from how to have sex with other partners to how to make better love with each other. In session, Ori tells us they had a big fight last week. This time, instead of clamming up and not talking for three days, they did something different. They stayed and talked it out.
The following day they practiced sofa time, a technique we teach couples to deepen their. They talked more openly. They got more vulnerable. They understood each other.
And then, Ori says, they had the best sex they'd had in a long time. Maya smiles and blushes slightly. What they experienced was the recipe for mind-blowing sex. And no, it does not involve new techniques, positions, playlists, or moves.
Emotional lovemaking, which is vulnerability. We call it"hearting". It is daring to undress emotionally and say the thing. And mental lovemaking, which is mental intercourse.
This is when we challenge each other, push each other, show each other our blind spots, and grow. Many people forget that sex is not just a physical action. It is also emotional and mental. Ori and Maya were a perfect example.
Both had kept looking outside their marriage for more satisfaction, not realizing that there was actually more sex to be had inside it. They just were not practicing the other two kinds. They did not stumble onto better sex by accident. They accessed the relational equation.
We call it"the relational math of mind-blowing sex". I wrote it down for them on a piece of paper:Because sex is an encounter between two people. The more of yourself you bring, not just your body but also your mind and your heart, the better the encounter will be. The more open and vulnerable you feel with yourself and your partner, the more of yourself you can bring.
When sex expands to a full encounter of body, mind, and soul, you manage to transcend existentialOri and Maya came to bed that night differently. They had fought and repaired, which is mental intercourse. They had done sofa time, which is emotional intercourse. They met at eye level twice before they ever touched.
So of course the body followed.home, in a wheelchair, you probably will not be doing tantric kamasutra. But you can still sit there and make love to your partner's mind and heart. That is lovemaking, too. Challenge your partner.
Let them challenge you. Enjoy discovering and sharing new dimensions of yourself and each other.
Then the emotional. Emotional lovemaking is into-me-see. It is the art of daring to lower your defenses and share what is happening inside you. Learn toand practice full-body listening, whereby you dare to be really touched by your partner's words.
Those two skills are the two components of matureWhen it comes to the sex itself, talk to your partner. Open it up. Widen the entry points into physical lovemaking. Sensuality does not equalThe more of yourself you bring to the mind and the heart, the more your body will follow.
That is soul synergy, when all three come together. It's simple relational math. Assael Romanelli, Ph. D., LCSW, is a couples therapist and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap.
His work blends psychotherapy, education, and creative practice, grounded in the belief that meaningful personal and social change begins in our closest relationships. Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist?
Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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