Journalist Charles Duhigg explores the importance of effective communication and shares tips on becoming a 'supercommunicator'.
But research shows we actually aren’t very good at communicating.Journalist Charles Duhigg shows us not only how to become a communicator — but a 'supercommunicator.', Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist. He currently writes for The New Yorker magazine. Author of “The Power of Habit” and “Smarter Faster Better.” His latest book is “Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection .
ORTA: I think part of the reason why Reyes knows how to have the conversation or hold the space that I need is because we talk about it. DeVORE: I'm the sole provider and caregiver for my son, who's 16 now, and I've raised him on my own since he was, like, three, and that has caused me to continue to level up my communication. And so I'm always just reflecting on how I can just be a better and responsive communicator instead of just reacting off of my emotions right away.
They might not be coming to mind right now. But for you and for everyone who's listening, who had someone pop into their mind I'm going to reach out to my friend, Jim. He's the person who makes me feel better. That person for you is a super communicator, and you're probably a super communicator back to them the same way that Reyes and Mandy are super communicators for each other.
And this is the difference between you and a relationship with another person, and the relationship with your dog. Although your dog probably does share themself with you, or did. A human tends to share themselves equally. And so there's a lot of what's known as authenticity, reciprocation of authenticity or reciprocation of vulnerability.
That's different from a session of therapy. It's also different from an interview, right? Where we're going in and we're just asking questions, but we're not necessarily, we're not necessarily sharing ourselves in equal proportion with the person that we're talking to. What super communication does is it helps us achieve what's known as neural entrainment.
Not being really conducive to perfect super communication because it's an art. We're also experiencing an artificial construct within the confines of what radio demands of us. Because even as you're talking and I'm trying to do my best to listen as deeply as I can, Charles, my eyes continuously have to dart over to the clock to be sure that I don't run over the segment.
One of the things that happens when we're having a tough conversation, when we disagree with each other, or we're just talking about something that's difficult to talk about. Is that there's always a suspicion in the back of my mind that you're not actually listening to me. You're waiting your turn to speak.
And we've been married for 20 years, and I didn't understand why I kept falling into this same pattern again and again. And so I went to experts, and I asked them, what's going on here? And what they said is actually, as I mentioned before, we're living through this golden age of understanding communication.
And what it says is that successful communication requires having the same kind of conversation at the same moment. And then we can move from type of conversation. We can start emotional and then we can get practical. I can say, do you mind if I share some solutions with you that might help? I give up. He says to her, I think I'm probably going to get fired tomorrow because I've been here for a year, and I haven't managed to recruit anyone. And I just feel so disappointed in myself. Like I feel like I'm letting myself down. For her, that seemed similar to what she was feeling.
Cause really, they just want to tell you where they went on vacation. You don't feel closer to that person. It has to be authentic. Our brains are wired to detect inauthenticity. And so it's when we make an authentic connection, when we're honest and truthful about ourselves. That's when the other person feels like they can trust us.CHAKRABARTI: Yeah. So this is really important.
The first is you should ask someone a question. And there's a kind of question that's really powerful known as a deep question that we can talk a little bit about. But then the second step is once they've answered that question, repeat back what you heard them say, but in your own words. Don't just say, what I hear you saying is ...And then the third step is to ask if you got it right. And this is the one we usually forget.
DUHIGG: And what's important is you don't have to have a conversation with everyone, right? Sometimes we get in the Uber, and we just want to check our phone. We don't want to talk to the driver. But the goal of Supercommunicators, the book, is to give people the skills so that when they do want to have a conversation, they know how to do it.
And what they found is that the best predictor of whether you're happy and healthy and successful, however you define success, at age 65 is having at least a small handful of close relationships at age 45. It didn't matter if you had more or less money. It didn't matter if you had more or less education.
And that doesn't mean that you're anti-social. It doesn't mean that you don't, there aren't people that you care about in your life. It means that you know how to listen to yourself and take care of yourself. But I also would guess that when you want to connect with your kids or your spouse or your friends, when that connection feels more valuable to you than just taking a break.
Communication Charles Duhigg Supercommunicator Connection Book Excerpt
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