Self-acceptance isn’t the opposite of change. It’s the doorway to it.
Therapy both appealed to me and rubbed me the wrong way. On one hand, it offered structure and practical tools. On the other hand, language likebecause you believe you’re a piece of garbage. Let me help by pointing out that your thinking is wrong—it’s distorted.
Another of the individual-oriented models I was taught, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy resonated more. Albert Ellis’s irreverence—“musterbation” and “don’t should on yourself” referring to “I should” and “I must” thoughts—was refreshing. Ellis called unhelpful beliefsleft room for context and sounded just a tad less judgey to me. But more importantly, REBT pushed me to consider a question that would shape my work from that point forward:Over time, I noticed a pattern. Most people learned their influential self-beliefs in response to pain, loss, or unpredictability. Emotional reactivity—those immediate, involuntary responses like a sudden rush of shame, a spike in, or tears that arrive without warning—rarely came from deliberate thinking. Instead, they seemed to emerge from something present butWhat I quickly learned was this: The people sitting across from me did not have distorted or irrational thoughts. They hadthat made sense in the context in which they were formed. We are the sum of all of our experiences.someone had made sense of their world, the logic was usually there. I became so curious about this phenomenon and very much grew to admire how“If all these awful, unrelated things happened—and I’m the only common denominator—then I must have caused them. Or at least, something about me did.” At first glance, CBT might label this belief as distorted—most often as overpersonalization, and at times overgeneralization or all-or-nothing thinking. Yet from a developmental lens, it’s brilliant. It makes sense!restores a sense of order and predictability, even if it comes at great personal cost. And this is where my questioning what I’d been taught ramped up. Through practice, I learned that if we rush to label a belief like this as wrong, we miss something essential: It formed for a reason. Before someone can examine whether a belief still serves them, they need space to understand how it once did—without pressure to change it, just curiosity and willingness to explore. After close to 20 years as a therapist, I believe that people can only begin to change their thoughts and emotional reactionsAcceptance doesn’t mean agreement; it is acknowledgment. Instead of fighting or shaming a thought, belief, or behavior, we step back. We accept their truth and then ask:What follows isn’t a new therapy model, nor is it meant to replace established approaches. It’s a way of organizing work I’ve found helpful over time—drawing from cognitive, developmental, and acceptance-based frameworks—particularly with people whose beliefs formed in response to earlyIf we acknowledge that this belief exists and developed for understandable reasons, what does it say about the person? What strengths, values, or survival skills does it reflect? If this was someone else, what might you think or feel about them? Only after this groundwork do we revisit the original belief. What parts still apply? What parts don’t? What other explanations or options become available now?Often, steps 1-4 are enough because the pain, shame, or anger at oneself seems to metabolize a bit during the process, as evidenced often by a calmer or more compassionate tone. Flexibility tends to emerge naturally. This sequence provides a stable foundation for further cognitive or behavioral work.opennessAsking “If this was someone else, what would you think about them?” often reveals answers like “resilient,” “determined,” “I respect them.”People don’t change when they feel under attack—even from themselves—or feel rushed to correct something “distorted” or “irrational.” Authentic, lasting change tends to require psychological safety . White-knuckling a new thought rarely holds; understanding and compassion tend to create real traction.confidence . When people stop fighting the parts of themselves that once helped them survive, they gain the stability needed to choose differently.Klussman, K., Curtin, N., Langer, J., & Nichols, A. L. . The importance of awareness, acceptance, and alignment with the self: A framework for understanding self-connection.Li, X., Guo, L., Li, Y., Niu, Y., Wu, Y., & Ren, Y. . Network analysis of self-acceptance structure in adolescents. Discover mental health, 5, 162. MacInnes, D. . Self-esteem and self-acceptance: An examination into their relationship and their effect on psychological health.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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