“At the start of the pandemic, the world, which always feels out of my control, felt especially out of my control. What was within my grasp was my physical body — or was it? — which I pumped with wine and then woke up and pumped out with iron”
Photo-Illustration: By Stevie Remsberg At the start of the pandemic, I had a stressful home situation that’s really none of your business. The world, which always feels out of my control, felt especially out of my control. What was within my grasp was my physical body — or was it? — which I pumped with wine and then woke up and pumped out with iron. I thought this would help mitigate the stress as well as build my immunities. The rest of the days were a crapshoot.
Famous women with strong arms, off the top of my head, include Michelle Obama, Rosie the Riveter, and HLN Morning Express host Robin Meade. Once I drank a bit of tequila with Meade, who is fun as hell, and she told me about her 3 a.m. arm band workout and eating protein-powder cheesecake. Two things I couldn’t stop thinking about for months that turned into years. When you watch her on-air, you see her legit Miss Ohio beauty-queen eyelashes and her Atlanta-tanned, toned arms.
Barbie, the doll, has smooth, but wimpy arms. Not inspiring. A woman with strong arms is not to be fucked with. I am fucked with anyway. A cashier at Meijer yells at me for trying to use reusable bags. “Fine!” I growl, flexing my biceps, accomplishing nothing. A used car salesman in Lansing doesn’t budge on the price of a Rav4 I hand my savings over for, while my arms quiver with helpless rage.
And oh! How good it feels when my boyfriend’s pal compliments my “smoking guns” via text. My heart flutters with joy. The next day, a co-worker admits it’s awkward to bring up, but my arm muscles are VISIBLE. My sister describes my summer arms as “looking toned” before she dives into the ocean to swim faster, further, and longer than me. Perception > reality? On Zoom, I angle the camera to tease a hint of chiseled shoulder.
Working out with weights gave me my Summer of Covid arms, but pushups and coffee table dips are a close substitute now that dumbbells are sold out everywhere and ABSOLUTE JERKS have bought them out at Walmart to resell for $2/pound on Facebook Marketplace. I see you Jonah from Ypsilanti, and I will not fall for your opportunistic SCAM. Those 8-pound neoprene-condom-coated weights should cost $10/pair. I am unnecessarily angry about this, and I refuse to give in.
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