All these years later, the pain still hasn't left.
. I didn’t. I shattered instead. I never did fit back together right, not really. People worried, of course, for the first year. But then it faded for them. For me, the man I was going to marry had died. I felt like Alice fallen down the rabbit hole, to a place where nothing made sense, a dark Wonderland. For them, my boyfriend had died and I needed to get over it. I was dragging something around with me. I needed to calm down.
No one understood. After one year, two years, three years, I was the crazy girl who wouldn’t get over her dead boyfriend. I had become some farcical, pseudo-tragic figure. “Oh,After this long, no one speaks his name anymore. My husband knows. But he doesn’t understand. I don’t talk about it, because how can you? You can’t look at the man you did marry and say,Some days, I look at our children and the realization that they are not Smith’s brings me to my goddamn knees. I have long taken his picture off my dresser.
My friend Daniel met the love of his life at seventeen. He gets it. They’re still together in their thirties, and we talk. It helps. Even if his husband is still here, he knows the surety that comes with knowing, so young: I pick you. You are my one in seven billion.
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