'I tried to comprehend how to mourn the loss of a man I was never supposed to have loved.'
"I wondered if I should tell my husband how deeply this man’s death rocked me. Is that what faithful people do?"I was spending a quiet evening at home with my husband when I learned of the sudden death of a man I had once shared a secret and adulterous four-year affair with.
Soon we began to meet in the open, daring to be seen together taking in a matinee or Christmas shopping or sharing a meal without a laptop or files piled on the table in an attempt to disguise what was really going on. We offered no excuses or explanations even while colleagues, friends and family members raised their eyebrows. I felt mild shame and hints of regret, but they were drowned out by the thrum of anticipation I felt whenever I thought of spending another moment with him.
After that, he and I both knew something had shifted and the twisted, lusty feelings we’d shared morphed into muddy, hard-to-read emotions ― a confused kind of love.
The affair was part of who I was and I knew no other way to fully offer my heart to my new love than to share every part of me. That meant telling him about everything ― even those shadowy corners in my heart that held space for another man. And then I suddenly learned about the death of my former lover and I didn’t know what to do. Even though he and I hadn’t been together or even in contact for years and I was completely in love with ― and committed to ― my husband, my heart still wept at the news.
Months went by but my secret grief refused to dissipate and I struggled to understand why I still felt the way I did ― and why I felt it so strongly. Did it mean I was still in love with this other man or, worse, that I didn’t love my husband? Throughout it all there was just one person I truly longed to talk to. There was just one man who knew me so intimately ― so fully and rightly ― that I knew if I could only bring myself to tell him what I was feeling, he would instantly provide the clarity and relief I wanted.
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