When I found I was pregnant again, I had to wrap my head around how it could all work. But what if it couldn’t?
I convinced myself the test would come back negative and this nightmarish roller coaster would end. I could get back to the somewhat-less-terrifying idea of bringing a third child into the world and start choosing names and decor themes and finding out the sex and buying clothes . But then the hospital called: The results had come back showing a high risk again, and I needed even more testing.
The next day I spoke with my genetic counsellor. Part of her due diligence was to provide people like me who had recently received this kind of devastating news with all of the information about all of their “options.” We spoke of termination and adoption and of raising the baby. I sobbed and swore and screamed and quietly wept behind her doors until I told her I was keeping it. Keeping her. A little girl. My only one.
But the voice on the other end was that of the genetics counsellor I had been working with—the one whose office I’d cried in. The one who I had screamed at and sworn at and accused of lying to me. The one who sat there, calm and stoic, as I laid everything before her. Now, on the phone, she apologized profusely. She said she was “so sorry.” I didn’t understand. Then she said, “Irreparable heart defect.” Pieces of brain and bowel missing. Deficiencies “not compatible with life.”I was 21.
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