SexDiaries: 2:30 p.m. I send David a calendar invite titled “Sex?” scheduled for 9:30 p.m. I can hear the clacking of the keyboard next door pausing for a moment, but I might be deluding myself
Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher This week, a woman considering couple’s counseling and fantasizing about her rowdy past: 31, in a relationship, Berlin.9:15 p.m. I can hear the clacking of the mechanical keyboard through the wall before I even open my eyes. My boyfriend, David, is next door, at work already, in what before this pandemic was my office. It’s now “our office,” which means it’s his office. I get up and make coffee.
9 p.m. Watching porn on my own only gets me so far, and the only thing getting me off lately is watching a brunette dominatrix fuck other women with a strap-on.12 p.m. I’m scheduled for a session and my analyst and I discuss the lack of sex in my relationship, again. He recommends I watch Bitter Moon as a warning of what might become of my relationship if I allow resentment to grow. I opt for reading the synopsis instead of watching the whole film.
10 a.m. I scroll through Instagram, get an ad for audio porn, and promptly download the app. I make it two minutes into a story labelled with three flames before the male hero condescends to the damsel in distress about how exactly to hold a power drill and my body recoils at the mundanity of it all.
10:30 a.m. I jolt myself awake, having overslept for a Zoom meeting. I log on and let the chatter run on, occasionally unmuting myself to agree or insert a fake laugh or encouragement. 9:30 a.m. Back from my run I hop into the shower and my phone lights up with a message from a guy I used to sleep with before things got serious with David. He’s casually keeping tabs, asking how I’ve been, even if we haven’t slept together in four years. I’m tempted to reply, but I know he got married a year ago, and even entertaining the idea of “being the other woman” makes me feel sick.
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