'This relentless desire to earn validation, however, is such a heavy weight to carry. It has no room for failure or mistakes because every mishap is a confirmation that I am not good enough.' | via philstarlife
Andrew Tobias wrote about this almost innate overcompensation of queer people, specifically gay men. In his book, he eloquently depicted how queer men invest in recognizable markers of success to deflect attention away from their sexuality. We overcompensate in competitive arenas like academics, sports, physical looks, employment, and even masculinity because these afford us a sense of self-worth and validation.
It is ultimately for survival that we queer people learned to design and embellish a self-image that could help us get by in a world so unaccepting of queerness. I personally had to forgo dreams and personal enjoyment because it did not conform to people's expectations of me. Growing up in a lower-income family, indulging my sexual orientation meant exposing myself to the dangers the world readily inflicts on queer people, especially those of lower economic status.
Overcompensating then becomes a form of protection. In my head and in my heart, I believed that if I reached a certain level of success, people might see me as acceptable. My employers might overlook the femininity they sense in me because of my long list of accomplishments. If my physical appearance is perfect to the point that it's intimidating, people on the street might think twice before laughing at me and calling me homophobic slurs.
Trying to maintain this persona that people deem acceptable is forcing me to disregard an integral part of myself. While I'm working for people's acceptance, I'm also slowly but permanently killing the part of me that will truly make me whole and happy.
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