'I was more present, I wasn’t numb, I could feel my body'
“I can remember so clearly the first time I got drunk, because it was such a revelation: As soon as I experienced it, I thought, Oh, this is definitely what I’m doing from here on in. I was in grade 10, and I spent a lot of time during the week making extravagant plans to get alcohol, and then I spent the weekend consuming alcohol. I didn’t really have boyfriends the way people did in grade 10 or 11.
The guys I dated in university definitely drank heavily, though not as heavily as I did. I wasn’t drunk all the time during sex—it wasn’t like drinking, for me, led to sex. If anything, my drinking prevented sex. I was also a serial monogamist. I had long-term boyfriend after long-term boyfriend; I did not allow myself even two months of being single in my adult life. I think I locked myself into relationships as a safety net, because I knew how out-of-control I could get.
The year I got sober, in 2010, is also the year my marriage started to unwind. When you quit drinking, you have to relearn everything: how to handle yourself at a social event, how to go to an Italian restaurant and only have water, how to have an argument without using alcohol as a crutch. You relearn affection and intimacy. I don’t have vivid memories of sex with [my husband] being good or bad or awkward—it was just one of many things that were happening during that period of time.
After the marriage ended, I contacted someone I knew and was attracted to. I sent him a message and was like, Do you want to hang out? It was exciting to me to initiate a relationship sober. It was such a thrill and a high in itself. I think that’s what people are missing out on when they lubricate with alcohol—there’s so much adrenaline and so much fire that you can drown out if you need a bottle of wine before sex.
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