Want to be your kid’s best friend? Think again. Being close is important—but without clear boundaries, friendship can blur the lines and leave both of you confused.
Kids need to know who is in charge in order to feel safe and secure, and being a friend can blur these roles. It's not your job to make your kid like you, it's your job to keep them safe, even if they don't like it.
If you clicked on this article because you want to be your kid’s best friend, you’re in the right place. It’s natural to want to be close to your kid, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d be concerned if you didn’t want a strong connection with them. But can you be too close to your children? Should you really be your child’s best friend? Let’s get into it.When I was growing up, I always wanted my mom to be my best friend. I told her about everything from my first kiss to my firstBut something was missing. It felt one-sided. Of course, she loved me — more than she or I could ever put into words. But she didn’t confide in me the way I did in her. She didn’t divulge her biggest secrets, regrets, or worries the way I did. And for the longest time, that hurt. My mom always told me we couldn’t be friends until I was an adult. I felt heartbroken, devastated, and rejected. Now that I am an adult, I completely understand why she said that. It didn’t mean she didn’t love me. It meant that she loved me so much that she decided to use a boundary as a tool to keep me safe, even though she knew it would temporarily hurt my feelings. She recognized that she was the adult. It was her job to take care of me and not the other way around. She knew that if she told me that she was struggling , it would have broken me. I would have spent my time and energy trying to help as much as I could, and I would have missed out on being a kid.You might be thinking, “But my relationship with my kid is different.” And maybe it is. Maybe your kid doesn’t have other friends. Maybe you two have bonded in a way others don’t understand. Or maybe you’ve realized that you’ve taken on the role of “friend” more than you intended — and you know that needs to change.with their kid, it can cause more harm than good. And being their friend is often less about your kid and more about something you are craving. What is a best friend, anyway? A best friend is your equal. It’s someone you share secrets with, cry with, make questionable choices with, and rely on. This may sound great. But it’s a relationship that comes at a cost. There are certain things you would tell your best friend that you shouldn’t be telling your kid. Oversharing about your relationships, financial struggles, and mental health can place an unintended emotional burden on your kid. It’s your job to care for them, not the other way around.Kids need to know who is in charge and who to go to for guidance. If you parent as an equal, it creates confusion as to who sets the rules and makes the decisions.Friendships are often mood and situation-dependent. It also requires that both people like each other/want to be friends. When times get tough, kids need a parent who will be there regardless of how you feel about each other in the moment. Your job is to be that stable base for your kid, and that’s much more difficult when you are friends.And, maybe most important of all, your kid can and will find more friends. They only have a limited number of parents. If you’re not making that your role, there’s no replacement.Being your kid’s friend is likely more about you than it is about them. You can make all the excuses you want:“I don’t want them to be mad at me.”But no matter how you put it, it’s likely about you, not your kid.How can I get my needs fulfilled elsewhere?What am I avoiding by being their friend instead of their parent?Connection with boundaries: You can have a close relationship and have fun together. But make sure your kid knows where the limits are and that you will enforce them.You should listen and validate their feelings, but hold them accountable for their actions. Be kind and caring while holding them responsible.Love your kid no matter what, but that doesn’t mean you should give them everything they want. It’s your job to make them feel safe with rules, even when they don’t like them.Life never gets easier. Fortunately, psychology is keeping up, uncovering new ways to maintain mental and physical health, and positivity and confidence, through manageable daily habits like these. How many are you ready to try?Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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