In newyorkerhumor, meet an unlikely superhero: a spider imbued with the powers of a person.
It could make scrambled eggs; it could make small talk. It could remember birthdays, drive a stick shift, do the Sudoku, more or less iron a shirt, and convert carbon emissions into fungible financial instruments.
Physically speaking, it didn’t gain much—most observers agree that the Amazing Person-Spider would have been better off just retaining its existing proficiencies. In its unaltered, pre-bitten state, the spider could lift an object several times its own weight; in contrast, the source person only did bicep curls a few times before fucking up his shoulder, so that was out. Ditto dash speed, martial arts, and being able to dunk.
However, in the event that the Amazing Person-Spider witnessed one of nature’s manifold horrors—a small creature being noisily devoured by its mother, or what have you—it would assume a troubled expression, indicating compassion and concern with its glistening mandibles and grid of bulbous eyes. In that way, it was exceedingly human.
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